Unexpected feelings

Grief is all about, in my opinion, unexpected feelings. Unexpected in when they occur, unexpected in what triggers them, unexpected in what part of you they grab and take hold of, and unexpected in the strength of the emotional impact.

Many of the articles and books I have read are very consistent in the randomness of grief and the lack of predictability of when "its done." It happens when it happens and it done when it is done.

Yesterday was really tough for some reason. For dinner, I seared the 2nd piece of tuna, prepared corn on the cob and had another glass of wine from the bottle I had opened on Sunday.

The feelings of loss, missing Mary, uncertainty in my future, and not knowing how or when I will be through this was weighing me down. As I have written before, I have no regrets about the years from 1990 until she died. Absolutely none. Well, except for never doing our Ireland trip--but that is minor compared to all the wonderful aspects of our relationship that created such joy for both of us.

Maybe because I spent time with the Farmers a week ago, I am feeling especially down about "back then." Our 1968 breakup actually defined my life for the next 15 months which led to decisions that set the path for my second score. And I made decisions that were, as is typical for a young adult, both great and awful. I have never regretted moving to California and setting upon a career in electronics. I do not regret the decisions that led to my two kids, they are great.

I am experiencing feelings of sadness over what Mary and I lost because of what happened in those few months at the beginning of 1968. When we got back together in the early 90s, we had talked through that experience several times and I thought it was resolved. I am surprised by the strength of how it is coming at me now.

Perhaps I am now, finally, grieving over the first time I lost her, I really don't know. But I do know I am having very strong recurring feelings about our college years leading up to when she got married in August of 1969. I don't know how the mind and memory work, but I do know these thoughts and feelings have been front and center for the past 30 hours or so. And they have presented themselves many times since she died.

The William Shakespeare (below) recommends writing to capture the feelings and relieve the heart of its burden. Thus, this blog entry. I hope it helps.