Three Day Weekends with Highs and Lows

And I am not talking about the weather.  

On Friday, I saw my grief counselor again, Kelli.  She is very good at helping me understand some of the emotions I feel as experience living without Mary.  And, there are a lot of emotions. Last week I felt pretty good. 

For the first time since April, I was able to take a shower without tears of grief overcoming me. In fact, it started on Wednesday morning and through today I have not found tears while showering.  For those who haven't seen that part of the house, the shower was built for two people.  Being alone in the shower hits me very hard. Near the end, Mary could not shower without someone being in the shower with her to keep her from falling and to help her with the shower routine--she'd forget what was done and start to shampoo her hair again or whatever.  Before the cholangiocarcinoma, we'd routinely shower together unless I was up too terribly early for work or some such.  It is one of those close moments we regularly shared as a couple that is gone. It is a daily reminder that Mary is no longer here. This is an old picture, taken just as the remodel finished. The glass enclosure for the shower had not been installed at the time this was taken. 

From 2000 House Remodel Project

Friday I called MaryR to see if she'd join me for dinner. I had all the veggies, salad fixin's and stuff and Mary marinated some chicken that we baked.  It was nice eating with someone instead of alone. My goddaughter who is MaryR's daughter was in Montana for a weekend trip.  MaryR and I also spent some time in Mary's closet again. Clothes I could not give away or donate in April or May I was able to give to MaryR.  She is starting interviewing again and a couple of Mary's suits fit her to a T. 

After dinner, I had a late massage scheduled with Ingrid.  Ingrid tends to work from 4 to midnight because that's when most of her clients are available--after work.  She was pretty much booked so I got the last appointment.  I had purchased the padding for my bike seat and made sure the seat was closer to level so I didn't slide forward and cause impact to my tailbone last week. It made a huge difference and the tailbone pain is pretty much gone. Ingrid used hot stones and generally performed a very nice, relaxing massage and did not use the same techniques from the week before for my tailbone pain. 

Saturday was a blur...as I sit here I cannot really remember what I did other than I know I did more than an hour bike riding.  Oh yeah, Shawna's eye is acting up again so it was back to the vet for more treatment.  I don't think that is done yet, I am sure there is at least one or two more visits for that eye.  Part of my weekend plan was to unpack my Terra Cotta Warrior but I totally forgot, he is still nicely packaged in the garage.  I also had dinner with my good friends, Dick and Laverne, at their place. They kind of adopted me back in 1970 as a new college grad and over the years have been wonderful friends.  These two albums are from Dick's 80th birthday last year and Laverne's 75th in 2007. 

Sunday was great!  I got to market early and bought the fish I needed for a 4th of July dinner.  Ingrid had strongly hinted (if you consider the words "Let's have 4th dinner at Pat's" a hint) so I picked up some tuna and fresh corn on the cob at Farmers' Market. MaryR brought a fruit medley and some fancy, dandy cheeses.  Ingrid brought apple pie and German potato salad although she said once we substituted olives for pickles, it had become Italian potato salad. Who knew?  We had a grand afternoon and dinner visiting and talking.  After dinner, one of the neighbors had invited me over to have desert and view their mostly illegal fireworks show. The fireworks were all labeled "safe and sane" and consisted of putting them in the middle of the street and they stayed stationary while providing noise, color and generally great fun!  

Today I was alone the entire day except for a 2 hour teleconference to our German office at 9AM.  After the teleconference, I jumped on the bike and rode south to downtown Los Gatos, picked up a prescription at Walgreens and then north to the junction of Meridian and Willow. All in all, about 2 hours, 15 minutes--virtually all of it on the Los Gatos Creek Trail and Bike Path minimizing risk from inattentive drivers. For those who want to see the route, click here. According to Google maps, the whole trip was about 18 miles.  The good news is that in just a few weeks I am able to bike up some hills that I had to walk up when I started this program so I can definitely measure progress.  This ride along the creek starts at the house with an elevation of 350ft, drops quickly to where I join the bike path at 250 feet and then climbs to 400 feet in downtown Los Gatos.  The terminus of this ride at Willow and Meridian is shown at about 150-200 feet.

Being alone today was very tough. There were several instances of strong emotional reaction to Mary not being here.  As I sit here writing, I cannot remember any specific event other than the very strong and very real feeling of her absence on a holiday day. No margaritas, chips and salsa.  Or sauvingon blanc with gourmet cheese and crackers, no planning a special meal for the two of us, or heading to our favorite Mexican restaurant on the Santa Cruz pier, or a light lunch at the Purple Onion, no time together just being together. All in all, a very lonely, lonely day.  This was the first day in a long time that I could just sit with those feelings.  I did not feel the "riding a surfboard and the energy of the wave was both propelling me forward and keeping me on the board" effect.  Today felt very sad, very lonely, very quiet overall.  Last year for the 4th, Maddy, Emma, Lara and Scott came up from Pasadena.  This year, it is the first holiday weekend where Mary is not present.  Memorial Day doesn't count, I was in Singapore attending a company conference on Memorial Day so there was no opportunity for the feelings to come through.  So this is my first holiday weekend without her.  A very sad day.  Pictures from July 4th 2009: