During the grief session at Stanford a few weeks ago, the Chaplain talked about the "sawtooth" effect that grief has on us. When it hits, it takes us and our emotions down quickly and sharply to a very low point. Then, with a little time and a little living, we slowly climb up out of the depths of our feelings to a nominal place only to find another hit taking us down again.
Monday was a hit like that. It really took me down. And, its been a slow climb up out of that feeling since then. Today is better than yesterday but that isn't saying much, yesterday was not great. Then again, yesterday was better than the worst of it on Monday.
Tomorrow is July 8th marking the end of the third month since Mary died. I had no idea how strong the feelings are when a spouse dies--especially one who is your definitive soul mate. I've written before that my Mom died suddenly on April 8th. That was horrible because it was so unexpected. My Dad died 8 years later after a long battle with cancer and for the survivors, that was easier because we did get a chance to say what we needed to say. Initially, their deaths caused strong emotions like I have felt over the past three months. But I am absolutely sure the impact on me emotionally was far less both in depth and duration, perhaps because they lived half a continent away. Perhaps because parents are supposed to die before their children and we are programmed to better accept their deaths.
Last night I baked the salmon, fixed a cob of corn and had Acme's Olive bread. A very nice dinner if I say so myself. I kinda forced myself to both prepare it and eat it. I wasn't in the mood but I knew I had to eat and that meal was a lot better than junk food that is so easy to find. Tonight will be salmon left overs on bed of lettuce with fresh asparagus and more of the bread. And, the rest of the chardonnay from last night.
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