Minnesota Weekend Wrapup

I have been very busy with work and other things and just haven't had a chance to finish the last part of the weekend in Minnesota.

On Monday morning, I said goodbye to the Farmers and headed to Duluth. I did stop at the St Ben's bookstore and bought a shirt, a cap and a sweatshirt. Duluth is like San Francisco. It can be hot as you approach the city, but once there, it is cold. Rumor has it that San Francisco sells more sweatshirts per capita than any other city with the possible exception of Duluth. So properly equipped, I headed out for the port city.

As originally promised, I arrived at my hotel around 2:30. It was located on Canal Park which means it is in the heart of the area that has gone under massive updating in the past decade or more. Mary's sister Maureen aka Reenie and Tom arrived from their office about the same time I did. We had a great chat for a couple hours, talking about everything and nothing all at the same time.

We then headed out to the lakefront. I was prepared for the Duluth chill and instead it was actually warm, hot even. It seems that Duluth can get caught in a bit of an inversion layer that holds the heat in. Well, I was there on the day that had happened. Reenie's sons Morgan and Colin with his wife Erin arrived. We then headed over to another part of town undergoing a renovation and ate in an old factory turned cool (as in neat) restaurant.

When we got back to my hotel, the kids took off and Reenie, Tom and I walked the area. We were able to see a large cargo ship leave the Duluth harbor, go under the lift bridge and head out to the East and the Great Lakes beyond Lake Superior. There was quite a crowd of summer tourists just kinda hanging around watching the boats and ships pass under the lift bridge.

During our conversations, we acknowledged our loss and the way we miss Mary. Reenie was such a saint during Mary's last year with all the time she spent out here with us. And Mary truly appreciated it. So did I. The care, feeding and loving that Reenie provided was such a huge positive factor. I have found writings by Mary celebrating with great joy the reconnection with Reenie and truly wonderful meaning is had in Mary's life. It is so wonderful that connection did happen.

Tom and Reenie headed home and I headed for the sack. Unfortunately, although I was feeling tired, I just was not able to sleep. My guess is that the intensity of being with Mary's sister plus the lingering emotional excursions from the Farmers' weekend had my head and heart churning in a way I had not realized. Eventually, I fell asleep and I let nature wake me up. I did have to rush to grab breakfast before they shut down the food line so I did sleep. That is good.

I then sent messages to my sister (Sister Maureen) and to my cousin, Dr. Mary Jo to join me for lunch. We agreed on a place near Mary Jo's house and we met there at the appointed hour--about 1:30PM. We then spent the afternoon talking about this, that and everything. If you have read the blog about Mary's last year, you know Mary Jo was incredibly helpful in helping me with the funeral arrangements in St. Paul. It was good to see her again.

We then went to Mary Jo's house to say hello to her husband, Denny. We were inspecting movies her father, my uncle, had taken and were now in her possession. The film appeared to be in good shape so she was going to investigate converting the film to DVD and discovering who and what were recorded on them. All I can remember is that Uncle Coleman had a light bar that consisted of 4 or maybe 6 flood lamps and when he turned it on to record a movie, all we could do was squint. Which lead the adults to say to the kids, "Stop squinting." Uh huh. After a too short visit, it was time for me to head to the airport so I bid farewell and headed to MSP.

This was a really good visit. Spending time with my sister and then with her and our cousin Mary Jo was extremely good. Seeing Reenie and Tom and a couple of their offspring was a treat and something I want to do more often. The Farmer weekend was simply superb. There is no way to describe the warmth, loving and concern that group of 15 people expressed for me and well as sharing the loss of Mary.

Father Patrick's mass is among the most emotional experiences I have had since Mary died. Knowing how much she loved Father Patrick and how much his love and guidance had helped her in her life, I was absolutely breathless and tearful as he said the mass. And to be with this wonderful group of loving and true friends was truly spiritual and rewarding.

God Bless and Thanks to All.

Unexpected feelings

Grief is all about, in my opinion, unexpected feelings. Unexpected in when they occur, unexpected in what triggers them, unexpected in what part of you they grab and take hold of, and unexpected in the strength of the emotional impact.

Many of the articles and books I have read are very consistent in the randomness of grief and the lack of predictability of when "its done." It happens when it happens and it done when it is done.

Yesterday was really tough for some reason. For dinner, I seared the 2nd piece of tuna, prepared corn on the cob and had another glass of wine from the bottle I had opened on Sunday.

The feelings of loss, missing Mary, uncertainty in my future, and not knowing how or when I will be through this was weighing me down. As I have written before, I have no regrets about the years from 1990 until she died. Absolutely none. Well, except for never doing our Ireland trip--but that is minor compared to all the wonderful aspects of our relationship that created such joy for both of us.

Maybe because I spent time with the Farmers a week ago, I am feeling especially down about "back then." Our 1968 breakup actually defined my life for the next 15 months which led to decisions that set the path for my second score. And I made decisions that were, as is typical for a young adult, both great and awful. I have never regretted moving to California and setting upon a career in electronics. I do not regret the decisions that led to my two kids, they are great.

I am experiencing feelings of sadness over what Mary and I lost because of what happened in those few months at the beginning of 1968. When we got back together in the early 90s, we had talked through that experience several times and I thought it was resolved. I am surprised by the strength of how it is coming at me now.

Perhaps I am now, finally, grieving over the first time I lost her, I really don't know. But I do know I am having very strong recurring feelings about our college years leading up to when she got married in August of 1969. I don't know how the mind and memory work, but I do know these thoughts and feelings have been front and center for the past 30 hours or so. And they have presented themselves many times since she died.

The William Shakespeare (below) recommends writing to capture the feelings and relieve the heart of its burden. Thus, this blog entry. I hope it helps.

From William Shakespeare

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o’er fraught heart and bids it break." ~ William Shakespeare

This quote was attached to a grief email encouraging talking or writing about the experiences of grief. I guess this blog is my expression of my feelings.

Sunday Evening

I just finished a seared tuna, corn on the cob and Acme olive bread dinner. Mary would have made note of the lack of greens and the doubling up of starches with the corn and bread. Oh, well, it is what it is.

I biked yesterday for a good 1.5 hours. Today didn't quite work out with aobut a total of 35 minutes of biking just before breakfast and a bit tonight before sunset. Not what I had in mind at all.

Grief is interesting. At some point today, I found myself with tears as I moved the clean flatware from the dishwasher to the drawer. I have no idea why tears appeared, they just did. This grief thing is absolutely unpredictable.

I spent some time on the phone with Tim today as a follow up to our call on Friday. Good discussion, partly personal, partly business...

Next post will be the wrap up to the Minnesota trip. Things are good here on Sunday evening.

P

Minnesota Weekend #4 -- Sunday

Other than a really vicious hang over, Sunday started rather pleasantly. Steve delivered my iToys with a comment that he tried to deliver them to my room but I was so sound asleep (passed out) he kept them in his room until he saw the whites of my eyes. Make that the bloodshot areas of my eyes.

The morning was unstructured. After breakfast, we had a discussion of Tom O'C writing a book about the farm experiences. That was a discussion I could not contribute to at all, unfortunately. However, I did think of a question that I posed to the group at dinner and it is, "Cast yourselves back to the spring of junior year (1968) and in your best possible mood and memory, try to remember what you thought you would be doing without the Farm after graduation. Then compare what did happen."

After lunch, a group of us went for a walk and we somehow ended up on the woods trail instead of the meadow trail. We met no fewer than a bazillion small, flying residents of Minnesota during this part of the walk. We took a fork in the path and headed for the "Old College Road" which relieved us of the bugs but put us in full sunlight. Someone said at lunch that the walk would be buggy and sweaty. Damn right.

The Old Collegeville Road used to be the main entrance to the campus.  When the interstate was put in, they moved the entry road.  The new approach has the benefit of putting the well known belfry in full view as you drive towards the campus.  The old road was at the perfect angle to see the narrowest part of the belfry so it often wasn't recognized until you were on the commons area. In comparison, it is clear how the belfry is now a tremendous visual element on the skyline above the tree line as you approach the campus from the new direction.  

I messed up (again) and did not put on the exercise clothes I brought along for the walk. That means I DEETED and sweated into one of my "see me in public" outfits. I solved this problem on Monday by buying a St. Bens polo shirt to go with the cap. In the meantime, the Farmers had to suffer my day old clothes. No one grabbed their noses and collapsed on the floor, so it could not have been too bad.

The Old Collegville Road does cross the interstate but it has been reduced to a walking/bike path at that point.  We met a Bennie walking from St Johns to St Bens and she explained that she stayed on the old road until she reached the Lake Wobegon Trail (there really is such a thing) and the trail took her to within a few blocks of the St. Benedict's campus.  Total distance is 6 miles or a touch more. (I later confirmed with the counter clerk at the Guest House who was a Bennie. She said it was 6.5 miles and she only biked it, never walked it.)

Arriving at the Guest House, I found David in the cafe area messing with his new Nikon D5000. I brought my D200 and we had quite a session comparing functions, swapping lenses and componetry and helping David understand how the new digital SLR behaved compared to his former film based SLR. Basically, it was a couple of guys with a selection of modern electronics trying to figure things out without reading the manuals. Works for me!

After I had showered to get rid of the sweat and DEET, David and I headed to the McKeown center. At that point, Diana approached me for help with her electronic devices: a new iPad and a new iPhone 4. We worked through them, including setting up her Amazon account and downloading two books she wanted to get her started.

On Sunday, I was much more alert and aware than I was on Saturday--something to do with two martinis and wine chasers, I assume.

Dinner was great as always. Good discussions of all sorts. We had a guest for Sunday, Fr Hillary who was instrumental in making the Farm happen in 1968. In fact, he had hoped to be the faculty member in residence but he was named Dean in the summer of 1968 so Fr. Patrick became the resident faculty member.  The quilt came together as part of the evening and I am not posting pictures until we have a chance to review all taken by the group. Its a really cool quilt!

Next posting, Duluth or otherwise know at Doo Loot.

Minnesota Weekend Recap #3 -- Saturday

The billowy white clouds on an intensely blue sky greeted us as we left the guest house after breakfast for a walk around the campus.  We don't get those kind of cloud formations in our part of California so it is always a treat for me to see the clouds of my childhood again. 

The walk led us around Lake Sag and to the cemetery.  Hank said he often went there as a student to study because it was quiet and without the boisterous traffic found almost everywhere else in a four year men's college. As the group continued on to the pottery workshop, I lingered behind with my camera to take a few pictures.  And to feel the absence of Mary again.  She loved Lake Sag.  I can dimly recollect Mary writing to me when we were in college about the beauty of the lake.  As I recall, Mary took several classes at St John's University because of her major in biology and her minor in chemistry before her senior year at the Farm.  SJU offered classes she needed that the College of St. Benedict did not have or there were schedule conflicts.

Frankly, I always responded emotionally in those days when she wrote of the lake for the simple reason that she made it sound so beautiful and romantic.  She would always express a wish that we could be there together.  Then, the journey made it seem like it was a million miles away.  Today, the distance is infinite but I could sense her presence. 

I walked among the graves and let the feelings of her loss wash over me.  I don't know how long I stayed alone but I was the only one there.  It wasn't where Mary is buried, but it was a place she knew and spent time, I am sure.  And it was a place I could let my tears flow.

I caught up to the group as they were leaving the pottery works. I wasn't gone all that long, the works were closed.  We headed to the St John's bookstore and I looked for a hat. I had forgotten to bring one. Let see, I forgot walking shorts, Mary's polka dot blouses for the quilt, the Remembrance DVDs (I had not admitted that before) and a hat for use when shooting with my camera.  I was well prepared for this trip, eh?  Anyway, the only hats they had were plastered with St. John's this and St. John's that.  I attended St. Thomas in the Twin Cities for pre-engineering and again a decade later to earn my MBA.  St Johns and St Thomas suffer the benefit of a huge, long standing and virulent rivalry in almost all aspects of college life.  No way was I going to put a St Johns logo on this head.  I solved the hat problem two days later when I stopped at the St. Bens bookstore and bought a bright red cap with the St. Bens logo. I can wear it when driving Mary's bright red convertible!

We then headed to the Great Hall to visit with Father Patrick.  He was in very good spirits and we had a wonderful time.  He was very glad to hear that not only had I brought wine for the group, I had also purchased the particular gin and vermouth he loved for his martini--apparently, it was too expensive for him to acquire on his own and he had a rather pointed commentary on the price. 

After lunch in the guest house, we all ended up with differing chores. Kathy and the quilt crew began serious quilt stuff in the McKeown Center.  Joyce and a team headed for town for shopping for the meals.  David and I worked on the video system which consisted of a large HD TV with no DVD player whatsoever.  David's computer could play the Remembrance disks but we didn't have a cable to connect them.  As for the forgotten polka dot blouses I was contributing to the quilt and the Remembrance DVDs, I had asked MaryR to ship them for me--hold at Kinko's-FedEx.  Mick and I headed into town to pick up the shipment, buy a cable and visit a crafts shop in an attempt to finalize his quilt square. 

Everyone assembled at the meditation room in the Guest house at 4PM because Father Patrick was saying a mass just for our group in remembrance of Mary.  The chairs were set up in rows when Patrick entered the room and he immediately asked we arrange in a circle instead.  Everyone pitched in and started moving chairs.  As the chairs were settling in, I took a seat next to Tom Maus.  As the last Farmer came in and sat down, I came to realize the chair next to me was empty and I was scratching my brain as to who was missing. Then, in that instant it hit me, the missing person was Mary.  It was a few seconds later when Tom Maus asked me if I wanted to do a reading.  I barely croaked out to him that I was already choking up and would not be able to do a reading.  The symbolism of the empty chair was so strong, I thought I would totally lose it even before we started the ceremony. 

At some point during the service, Becky moved next to me to provide a comforting touch (thank you, thank you, thank you for the support) but there was still an empty chair.  The meaning and emotions my mind associated with the empty chair was very nearly overpowering and that was only one aspect of the entire celebration of the mass.  At the part of the mass where we greet our co-celebrants, everyone got up and exchanged a bazillion hugs. I received so much warmth and feeling, for they all knew Mary and miss her very much too. I was so very, very glad Patrick offered the mass celebration for her.

Steve later admitted that he had made sure there was an extra chair for Mary.  How very thoughtful and incredibly meaningful. Thank you, Steve.

We then assembled at the McKeown Center, a marvelous facility to host a group like ours.  The kitchen was abuzz with the food team and the quilt team had their materials laid out on the tables as they worked their magic.  At some point, we assembled to watch the two DVDs and I provided a running commentary until the last couple of pictures when I lost my voice and my not-so-silent crying overtook me. 

As the evening progressed, I spent time talking to Father Patrick known in this group as Patrick or Patrick the Elder.  I am Pat or Pat the Younger to simplify things.  Anyway, Patrick and I talked at length about a myriad of things ranging from the year at the Farm to today.  He is marvelously sharp, exudes warmth and its is very easy to see how he has always been one of Mary's favorite people. 

I must admit I enjoyed a bit too much of Patrick's martinis and I washed those down with a reasonable portion of the very drinkable wines I had brought.  It was my first 'bender' since--well, since a long, long time--perhaps that trip to Denver with my buddies in the spring of 1968 when I was grieving over the loss of Mary the first time.  Later, when I felt it was time to head for my room, I pulled my car keys out of my pocket, held them out as if to offer them to someone, and asked if anyone would drive me back.  As I recall, I vaguely remember a collective sigh of relief emanating from the group when Becky took them and said, "I'll drive you."  Sandy agreed to ride along.  Was I really blotto?  Well, it turns out the last Farmers to head to the guest house had to collect my iPhone and iPad because I had forgotten them.  To me, leaving my precious iToys was confirmation I was far gone.

Observing how this group functions is a real treat.  Somehow, the group moves to accomplish its intended actions but I am not sure, even after this fifth visit with them, how it happens. It just does.

This last picture is of the belfry at the church for those who didn't click on the previous link.  

Saturday and Chores

I'll get back to the Minnesota weekend later today. Right now I am getting ready for my bike ride. Because of my travels, I have not been on the bike for 13 days--8 days of travel and just not into it after work since returning late Tuesday evening.

Friday was good, a solid work day followed by a nice dinner (pasta and salad) and my late night massage by Ingrid. If anyone locally needs a top drawer, properly priced massage therapist, give Ingrid a call. http://www.massagerescue.com

I did see Kelli, my grief therapist on Thursday. It was a good session, we did a recap of Minnesota weekend and discussed my feelings and reactions to the events of the weekend. It was good to be able to express those feelings to a third party. And, it was good to confirm that my process in grief is well within normal behaviors. One of the aspects of grieving is that you don't know if you are 'over the edge' because everyone grieves differently, reacts differently and does so on a unique timeline. The sessions with Kelli helps me understand where I am in the process.

On to the trail, more later...

From my daily grieving email

Missing, Wanting and Needing - Day #38

When your grief is new, all you can feel is the emptiness; the missing, the wanting, and the needing to see them one more time. There is truly a vacuum in your heart and life; a deeply empty space, and you’re sure nothing will ever fill the void.

And, for a long time, nothing does. In fact, I don’t think it’s a process of filling the space, but rather one where the space shrinks ever smaller. It doesn’t go away all together, but it will become less through time.

Minnesota Weekend Recap #2 -- Friday

After I left the cemetery, I headed for Surdyks in downtown Minneapolis where I picked up wine for the weekend along with some great cheese.  The wine I did myself while I engaged the assistance of Molly the cheese supervisor to help me pick the six different kinds of cheese.  It turns out the wine was fully consumed by the time I headed for Duluth but there was several selections of cheese left to give to Reenie and Tom when I saw them.

When I arrived at St Johns (click here) there was a small group of Farmers on the lawn standing near the landmark belfry in front of the church (click here).  I parked the car and joined them only to find out everyone had just arrived too. Talk about your perfect timing!  After a while, we checked in at the Abbey Guesthouse (click here), ate dinner in the guest house cafeteria and then adjourned to a beautiful patio overlooking the lake (Lake Sag as it is known).  The wine started to flow and a little while later the cheese made an appearance.  It was a really good feeling just being with the group.  After a bit, one of the Monks appeared and informed us that
1) 9:30 or so was known as "Mosquito Hour" so either apply the DEET or head inside.
2) Once inside, a boisterous group such as ours were more than welcome to use the library with the door closed. It must be that soundproofing works both ways, eh?
3) When on the upper or lower floor where the rooms are located, we must maintain silence for the other guests--who are pretty much there to contemplate and pray as they are taking advantage of the retreat center--would not appreciate our levity, liquor or loquaciousness!
It is a good thing the library was soundproof, they missed our group singing Rocky Racoon, the Beatles song.

We moved into the library prior to mosquito hour and did sing, passed around the quilt squares--at least the ones that were complete and then found ourselves using my iPad to search the on-line archives to search the student newspapers for stories about the Farmers.  (For the techies in the group, retreat center guest house does not have wifi, but the campus has great ATT 3G coverage so my iPad and iPhone were both very happy.)  This image was published in 1966 in the St. Benedict Student newspaper and Mary was the model.  We found a number of articles published about the Farm.  Even tonight, I found more articles about the Farm we did not locate last Friday. 

The bottom line for Friday is that once I had "drained" my emotions for the time being at Mary's grave, I did not encounter any strong reactions for the rest of the day. I was a bit concerned, because the last time we joined the Farmers at St Johns, Mary and I had pre-ordered wine and cheese from Sturdyks and I was afraid I'd have a strong reaction tracing those same foot steps without her. Fortunately, I did not.

I did have the rental car pickup feeling but not as strong as in April for the Remembrance and Burial.  For those who don't remember, here is the link to that entry about Mary and rental cars at the St. Paul Minneapolis airport.  And, they gave me a brand new Ford Escape for the weekend. I put almost 500 miles on the car and it is rather a nice road car.  This link should give you a google map of my journey.

Minnesota Weekend Recap #1

Where to start? It was a very full five days. On Thursday evening I had dinner with my sister after my flight from San Jose.  We talked about all sort of topics ranging from remembrances of Mary to Maureen's current work and health status as well as my own.  All in all a good time to simply listen, learn and ask questions about how she is and vice versa. 

Friday morning I got up and found myself dithering about instead of moving smartly to do my plan. The plan? It started with a visit to Mary's grave.  I realized, finally, that I was avoiding the trip. Once I figured that out, I checked out of the hotel and headed to the cemetery--by way of Land's End because it was in the mid-90s and I had forgotten to put shorts in my luggage.  Land's End Inlet (aka Outlet) store near the airport fixed the problem quickly. 

I arrived at Mary's grave site about 10:45AM.  Her foot stone is not there yet and subsequent to my visit, I received correspondence that indicates another 6-9 weeks.  At first, I was very detached and was thinking to myself very analytically about the location of the grave, the grass growth pattern on her grave, the location of the nearby tree, and the nice job the cemetery staff had done resetting each foot stone for her family members.  After the funeral, I had asked they reset Grampa Jack's stone because it clearly was sinking.  I saw they reset all three stones and they look very nice.

I then remembered what my grief therapist had suggested and that is "What do you want to tell her? Maybe read out loud an email you have composed for her."  At that point I started talking to Mary.  About my feelings, the dogs, the clouds, how much I miss and continue to miss her.  It took about an hour overall and my tears were flowing freely. 

Tuesday Late--Like Early Wednesday Morning

I have been offline since last week because I went to Minnesota to attend a Remembrance held by Mary's college group known as the Farmers. I got home from the airport tonight just about midnight and am winding down now so I can get some sleep.  I will be posting over the next couple of days about visiting my sister, Mary's grave, Mary's sister Reenie and her husband Tom and my cousin Mary Jo.  And, of course, about the two and one half days with the Farmers. 

Frankly, I don't like posting in advance because I do not want to advertise I am traveling and away from the house. I do have a house/dog sitter so the house is not abandoned but I don't want to advertise in advance my comings and goings. 

May I also beg forgiveness for those in Minnesota who I was not able to schedule as part of this trip. Definitely will make it happen on the next trip.

It was good to be with friends and family and I am very glad I participated in the Remembrance/Reunion weekend with the Farmers. 

More later, 

P

Collage #2

This is so easy to create. I use Picasa by Google. That's all for tonight. Ciao.

Collage #1

I had some fun tonight creating this collage. I think I'll work on it some more or maybe create different themes. Mary and her kids, Mary travels, etc. We shall see.

The oldest picture was taken in 1966, the latest was Dec 2009.

Back on the surfboard...

I noted previously that sometimes I feel like I am on a surfboard and the energy of the wave is propelling me forward and keeping me from falling off. Well, that feeling developed over the weekend and its carrying/pushing me along again.

For work, the major trade show of the year is held in San Francisco and I have had a number of meetings and meals as part of the week's events.  Many of my business acquaintances had heard about Mary but have not seen me since Mary died. Those meet and greets are not too bad.  Its the people who knew Mary and had not yet heard she was dead.  I feel bad for them for they are clearly shook up and also apologizing for not knowing.  I don't feel there is any need for an apology.  But, they ask for it anyway.

I only did one day of biking this weekend.  Saturday was not as productive as I had hoped and there was a ton of errands to do once I got my butt in gear, so it was Sunday that was biking day.  I did bike to market and had breakfast at the Purple Onion but MaryR was at a regatta and Ingrid and Maurice went to the Mountain View Farmers' Market.  After my bike ride was a visit with my goddaughter.  We had a long discussion about all sorts of things as she is assessing where and what she wants to do next.  I hope it was helpful for her as she figures out what she wants to do for her next career move.

Saturday evening was pasta night as I fixed ravioli for MaryR and Ingrid. (Don't get too excited, it came out of a package from Lunardi's).  Its nice to have friends come over, talk and laugh about everything and nothing.  Sunday I didn't have friends over and, in fact, didn't fix dinner either. I just wasn't into it.  I had a simple sandwich for dinner on Sunday. 

I must admit the "sawtooth" effect I described last week is clearly happened and is happening.  I feel like I am almost back to where I was before the day alone on July 5th.  I certainly hope so yet I know I am not fully there.  Little things can set off a round of grieving in unexpected ways.  Yet, given the various opportunities they have not occurred at inopportune times.  What has returned is lack of sleep and moments of grief in the shower. Last night I felt very tired and went to bed about 10:30PM.  And I woke at 3AM.  Since my day alone on the 5th, I have not been awakened by an alarm clock, I wake up long before the clock is set to sound. The bad news is that I don't get to sleep until midnight, one or two in the morning. Sunday night, for example, I was doing email for work at 2AM because I simply could not sleep.  

On to better news! Tomorrow I get to pick up YAHT configured as a dog tag for me to wear.  I am excited about that.  

I searched this blog and realized I have not defined YAHT. So here is the story. 

In April 2009, Mary's surgeon gave her good odds for her liver surgery because she was Young, Active, Healthy and Thin.  Mary was just tickled pink that he said that about her!  So much so, we chartered our jeweler, Ken Gehrkens of Los Gatos, to make a neck piece that spells out YAHT to be ready for the anniversary on March 22nd.  Mary, Ken and I discussed the design, settled on platinum and diamonds and Ken delivered on time, thank you!  Mary was so happy with it and proud of what it meant that she wore it full time after we picked it up from Ken.  Once she was readmitted to Stanford and we thought it best I take it home at night so she didn't wear it full time, only when I was at Stanford. It is a wonderful piece!  Now, I have had Ken convert into a "dog tag" style by mounting the YAHT on a white gold backing plate.  Pictures to come! 

I am also going to have it inscribed. On the side where YAHT is mounted will be inscribed with the expression Mary and I used to close our letters, cards and any written note to each other "All Ways and Always".  On the back side, I am literally going to put on personal ID information because I do live alone now and there are no relatives any closer than Pasadena and that is 300+ miles away.  In other words, it will function as my dog tag.  

Marking three months

Reenie and I were in Mary's room at Stanford all afternoon on Thursday, April 8th. About 4:40, Reenie looked up from her laptop and was staring at Mary. Her movement caused me to look and listen too. Silently, noiselessly, and without saying a word, we both realized that Mary's breathing was changing. The soft regular sound of air moving in and out of her mouth that we had listened to since she had become unconscious on Monday had stopped. Instead, a soft, almost a gentle gasping replaced it--just briefly. And then silence. We stood on opposite sides of Mary's bed, Reenie tried to find a pulse and so did I. There was none. Mary was dead. I looked up and the clock on the wall said 4:42pm.

Just like the clock says now--4:42 on July 8 as I post this blog entry.

Mary, all ways and always will I love you.

p

The Grief Session at Stanford

During the grief session at Stanford a few weeks ago, the Chaplain talked about the "sawtooth" effect that grief has on us. When it hits, it takes us and our emotions down quickly and sharply to a very low point. Then, with a little time and a little living, we slowly climb up out of the depths of our feelings to a nominal place only to find another hit taking us down again.

Monday was a hit like that.  It really took me down.  And, its been a slow climb up out of that feeling since then.  Today is better than yesterday but that isn't saying much, yesterday was not great.  Then again, yesterday was better than the worst of it on Monday.

Tomorrow is July 8th marking the end of the third month since Mary died.  I had no idea how strong the feelings are when a spouse dies--especially one who is your definitive soul mate.  I've written before that my Mom died suddenly on April 8th. That was horrible because it was so unexpected.  My Dad died 8 years later after a long battle with cancer and for the survivors, that was easier because we did get a chance to say what we needed to say.  Initially, their deaths caused strong emotions like I have felt over the past three months. But I am absolutely sure the impact on me emotionally was far less both in depth and duration, perhaps because they lived half a continent away. Perhaps because parents are supposed to die before their children and we are programmed to better accept their deaths.

Last night I baked the salmon, fixed a cob of corn and had Acme's Olive bread. A very nice dinner if I say so myself.  I kinda forced myself to both prepare it and eat it. I wasn't in the mood but I knew I had to eat and that meal was a lot better than junk food that is so easy to find.  Tonight will be salmon left overs on bed of lettuce with fresh asparagus and more of the bread.  And, the rest of the chardonnay from last night.

Today's Thoughts

Look to the Horizon and Keep Walking - Day #21

Remember the good times; cherish the memories, but live each day 
moving forward. Focus your thoughts on what is before you and how 
you are going to get there.


"I often tell people that there are three stages you need to think 
about: You can't go back. You can't stay here. You must 
go forward," says Dr. Ray Pritchard. "There may be some 
good things in the past that you wish you could go back to, 
but in the end you have to let those go."


Quotation for the Day
"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and 
glue them together again and tell myself that the mended 
whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- 
and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it 
and see the broken places as long as I lived." ~ Margaret Mitchell 

From Daily Email Affirmations by Darling-Fischer Chapel of the Hills

Three Day Weekends with Highs and Lows

And I am not talking about the weather.  

On Friday, I saw my grief counselor again, Kelli.  She is very good at helping me understand some of the emotions I feel as experience living without Mary.  And, there are a lot of emotions. Last week I felt pretty good. 

For the first time since April, I was able to take a shower without tears of grief overcoming me. In fact, it started on Wednesday morning and through today I have not found tears while showering.  For those who haven't seen that part of the house, the shower was built for two people.  Being alone in the shower hits me very hard. Near the end, Mary could not shower without someone being in the shower with her to keep her from falling and to help her with the shower routine--she'd forget what was done and start to shampoo her hair again or whatever.  Before the cholangiocarcinoma, we'd routinely shower together unless I was up too terribly early for work or some such.  It is one of those close moments we regularly shared as a couple that is gone. It is a daily reminder that Mary is no longer here. This is an old picture, taken just as the remodel finished. The glass enclosure for the shower had not been installed at the time this was taken. 

From 2000 House Remodel Project

Friday I called MaryR to see if she'd join me for dinner. I had all the veggies, salad fixin's and stuff and Mary marinated some chicken that we baked.  It was nice eating with someone instead of alone. My goddaughter who is MaryR's daughter was in Montana for a weekend trip.  MaryR and I also spent some time in Mary's closet again. Clothes I could not give away or donate in April or May I was able to give to MaryR.  She is starting interviewing again and a couple of Mary's suits fit her to a T. 

After dinner, I had a late massage scheduled with Ingrid.  Ingrid tends to work from 4 to midnight because that's when most of her clients are available--after work.  She was pretty much booked so I got the last appointment.  I had purchased the padding for my bike seat and made sure the seat was closer to level so I didn't slide forward and cause impact to my tailbone last week. It made a huge difference and the tailbone pain is pretty much gone. Ingrid used hot stones and generally performed a very nice, relaxing massage and did not use the same techniques from the week before for my tailbone pain. 

Saturday was a blur...as I sit here I cannot really remember what I did other than I know I did more than an hour bike riding.  Oh yeah, Shawna's eye is acting up again so it was back to the vet for more treatment.  I don't think that is done yet, I am sure there is at least one or two more visits for that eye.  Part of my weekend plan was to unpack my Terra Cotta Warrior but I totally forgot, he is still nicely packaged in the garage.  I also had dinner with my good friends, Dick and Laverne, at their place. They kind of adopted me back in 1970 as a new college grad and over the years have been wonderful friends.  These two albums are from Dick's 80th birthday last year and Laverne's 75th in 2007. 

Sunday was great!  I got to market early and bought the fish I needed for a 4th of July dinner.  Ingrid had strongly hinted (if you consider the words "Let's have 4th dinner at Pat's" a hint) so I picked up some tuna and fresh corn on the cob at Farmers' Market. MaryR brought a fruit medley and some fancy, dandy cheeses.  Ingrid brought apple pie and German potato salad although she said once we substituted olives for pickles, it had become Italian potato salad. Who knew?  We had a grand afternoon and dinner visiting and talking.  After dinner, one of the neighbors had invited me over to have desert and view their mostly illegal fireworks show. The fireworks were all labeled "safe and sane" and consisted of putting them in the middle of the street and they stayed stationary while providing noise, color and generally great fun!  

Today I was alone the entire day except for a 2 hour teleconference to our German office at 9AM.  After the teleconference, I jumped on the bike and rode south to downtown Los Gatos, picked up a prescription at Walgreens and then north to the junction of Meridian and Willow. All in all, about 2 hours, 15 minutes--virtually all of it on the Los Gatos Creek Trail and Bike Path minimizing risk from inattentive drivers. For those who want to see the route, click here. According to Google maps, the whole trip was about 18 miles.  The good news is that in just a few weeks I am able to bike up some hills that I had to walk up when I started this program so I can definitely measure progress.  This ride along the creek starts at the house with an elevation of 350ft, drops quickly to where I join the bike path at 250 feet and then climbs to 400 feet in downtown Los Gatos.  The terminus of this ride at Willow and Meridian is shown at about 150-200 feet.

Being alone today was very tough. There were several instances of strong emotional reaction to Mary not being here.  As I sit here writing, I cannot remember any specific event other than the very strong and very real feeling of her absence on a holiday day. No margaritas, chips and salsa.  Or sauvingon blanc with gourmet cheese and crackers, no planning a special meal for the two of us, or heading to our favorite Mexican restaurant on the Santa Cruz pier, or a light lunch at the Purple Onion, no time together just being together. All in all, a very lonely, lonely day.  This was the first day in a long time that I could just sit with those feelings.  I did not feel the "riding a surfboard and the energy of the wave was both propelling me forward and keeping me on the board" effect.  Today felt very sad, very lonely, very quiet overall.  Last year for the 4th, Maddy, Emma, Lara and Scott came up from Pasadena.  This year, it is the first holiday weekend where Mary is not present.  Memorial Day doesn't count, I was in Singapore attending a company conference on Memorial Day so there was no opportunity for the feelings to come through.  So this is my first holiday weekend without her.  A very sad day.  Pictures from July 4th 2009:

July 1st? TIme is flying

Just a quick note to let everyone know I am ok. 

The other chinese clay figure arrived and he is safely tucked in the garage and will come out of his packaging sometime this weekend.  I will definitely post pictures.

Monday evening was dinner with Marge.  Marge and Mary were the "terror volunteers" of Habitat for Humanity for a number of years. Something about clarity, directness and intolerance of incompetence.  Sounds good to me! 

From 2009-06 Marge & Mary

Work is definitely on full boil.  Three of my four areas are just ramping up to hit high gear.  As I wrote previously, normally two are on boil and two are quiet.  We're at three of four now.   The fourth just wrapped up and it will stay quiet for half a year or so.

Tomorrow, Friday, is going to be a great lead in to a three day weekend. I see my grief couselor in the afternoon and my massage therapist in the evening.  No specific plans except one of the neighbors has invited me to dessert on the evening of the 4th to just hang out and listen to the noise of the illegal fireworks.

I've been on the bike a couple of nights this week. The pad I put on the seat plus making the seat a touch closer to level seems to have eliminated my tailbone pain.  That is definitely good.

That is all for now,

Later, gator!