The Christmas Whirlwind!

For Christmas Day dinner, I hosted Chris, Casey, Danny, Sarah and Ingrid.  MaryR joined us for dessert and that added to the conversation and the festivities.  Sarah surprised me with her observation about two new ornaments on the tree that had not been there when we did the decorating. Ingrid had given me two ornaments for Christmas and I didn't hang them when we did the project with the grand kids.  Amazingly enough, Sarah noticed and noted the two new items out of the approximately 100 items she, Danny, Chris and I had hung on Thursday evening.  Amazing memory for a four year old!  

I baked fresh salmon for dinner (chicken for the kids) and Ingrid contributed with mashed potatoes and she whipped up her own dressing for a spinach salad. Casey prepped the asparagus and I had acquired mango salsa for the salmon and all in all we had a great Christmas dinner. 

Today, I joined Casey's family in Concord and the menu was non-stop with turkey and ham being the protein of choice! Of course, there were veggies and potatoes and sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce and...and...and...

It was a blast with Casey's three brothers, therir spouses and a total of four kids all enjoying another round of gift unwrapping and discovery of new toys.  Later in the day, additional friends arrived and that added more to the day's events.

Monday I take Chris and clan to the airport. I am going to hate saying goodbye, its been such a wonderful week with them here. 

Merry Christmas!

Mary's Christmas Rose

Each year, Mary looked forward to a Christmas rose in her garden. Easier to do in Phoenix than in Los Gatos but none the less, we would have Christmas roses from time to time. Mary always saw them as the magic of nature, the blessings of our creator and as a sign of hope for all the family for the coming year. The sun came out just long enough for me to get pictures in Mary's garden of the three Christmas roses of 2010. 

Scott, Lara, Madelyn and Emma sent me a wonderful Christmas bouquet.  There are pictures of the bouquet too. 

Merry Christmas!

iPad users click here.

Grandchildren are so special

And exhausting!  I was done in after a day with the two of them!  And, I loved it.

I think the best part was late in the day when their Papa said, "OK, its time we start getting ready to go to Grammy's house."
And, Sarah the four year old announces, "NO Papa, we have to decorate Grampa's tree first!"
I brought out a couple boxes of ornaments and Sarah dove in with gusto. We soon figured out she didn't want to hang them, she only wanted to see what I had.  I had the job of unwrapping, Sarah admired and then handed the ornament to Papa and was quickly ready for the next one.  Danny, the six year old, was taking the ornaments and carefully hanging them on the tree.  Amazingly, nothing was broken.

And it doesn't matter how they look on the tree, it just felt so damn good to decorate the tree with my grand kids.

Here are some shots from Oak Meadow Park on a beautiful Dec 23rd afternoon. iPad users, click here.


Merry Christmas!

For Christmas eve, I will be with Chris, Casey, Danny and Sarah at Casey's Mom's place. Tomorrow, they will be here and I get to be chief chef!

My Dear, we're still good-bying

"The fire is slowly dying,
And, my dear, we're still good-bying,
But as long as you love me so,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!"

One holiday season in our college years, Mary came over to my (parents) house. Early in the evening, she made a delightful apple cider that my Dad particularly enjoyed. Mary and I spent the later part of the evening in front of the living room fireplace while Dad was in his downstairs man cave (using today's vernacular). Mom retired to bed as I recall. Dad would noisily emerge from his man cave from time to time making sure Mary and I were being proper. Those were the days!

Outside, a soft winter snowfall was in progress putting a frosting on trees, streets, sidewalks and cars. It was one of those magical evenings that makes you want to be in snow country for the holidays.

I can recall two pictures I took that evening. One was of the street scene outside our living room window including my snow covered 1960 Ford Fairlane. I think that picture is still around someplace and it captures the magic. I used very fast black and white film without a flash and the combination of the street lights and the fresh snow provided a stunning effect.  (Click on the picture to enlarge.)

The second picture was of Mary sitting on the floor with the fire behind her. Again, no flash and when the pictures came back, they didn't even bother to print that one. The light from the dying fire and the darkened room made it unprintable.

But, there was a shadow image on the negative! I can remember carefully storing and keeping that negative for years because I could just barely see the outline of Mary sitting on the floor in front of the fire. And from time to time I would study that ghostly image when I wanted to recall good holidays.

For two decades, when I heard that Christmas song with the words "my dear, we're still good-bying", my mind would jump to that snow kissed evening and the ghostly image of Mary I kept for ages. Even after we reconnected 20 years ago and the negative had been long lost, that song would trigger the memories of that special evening.

Now Mary is gone. I am still good-bying. And it hurts more now than it ever did before.

From the mouth of babes

Yesterday's post was a surprise to me.  I sat down to write about the arrival weekend of my grandchildren on Saturday and the fun time we had on Saturday and Sunday.  Instead, the feelings of the change to the Christmas season emerged very strongly once at the keyboard so I wrote about them instead. 

And, my grandkiddies have arrived for a visit until the Monday after Christmas. It is such a joy to have them here--along with their parental units, Chris and Casey.  For Sunday dinner, Casey's Mom, Rosemary, joined us and I cooked up a pretty good chicken dinner with potato and asparagus.  Everyone said it was very tasty and no one got sick so I guess I did good. 

I did get some of the Christmas decorations out of the garage and got them in place for Sunday dinner.  Chris has agreed to help me set up the tree Tuesday evening because, as he said, "We have to have a tree on Christmas Day!"  I agree. I mean, it is in a box in the garage, it doesn't take too long to get it done--notwithstanding last year's multi-week project.

Out of the mouth of babes--my 6 year old Grandson, Danny, announced shortly after arrival on Saturday that "Grandma Mary is in heaven."  I thought I'd totally lose it at that point, it was so sweet and innocent.  And so very, very obvious to a six year old that Mary was not here.  

He then proceeded with another question, "Why did she go to heaven?"  

Because she died. 

"Why did she die?"  

Because had a nasty disease called cancer.

"Why does cancer make you die?"

Sometimes cancer makes you die, many times it does not. We are all sad that cancer made Mary die. At that point he went on to a new topic.  And I managed to distract myself with the joy of having him and his sister, Sarah, here for the holidays.  It is only now, reliving the conversation in my head that the tears easily come. 

Chris, Casey, Danny and Sarah came to the house directly from the airport--Southwest delivered them three hours late on Saturday.  We fixed sandwiches to take care of the hungries after their eight hour journey for a 2.5 hour flight.  They had planned to go to a party (kids included) on Saturday night so Casey dressed for the party and then they packed the Humette and set off for their evening.  

As I stood in the garage and Chris started to back the car out of the driveway, all the emotion and expectation I had been keeping under check came pouring out.  I was so afraid the visit would not happen, or somehow I would be so disappointed it would ruin the visit.  I knew at that moment as the car started moving that none of the bad stuff was going to occur. Instead, it was already as good or even better than I had dared to hope.   

They noticed my meltdown and although I waved them off, turned and stepped into the house, Chris came through the door a minute later to see if I was really ok.  I told him about "Grief Landmines" and how they will just happen now and then. And, for me, they generally last for a few minutes and then they are gone.  I then I told him how happy I was to have him and his family here for Christmas.  He asked if I would be ok for the evening and I told him I was late for a party (true) so he gave me a big hug (easy to do since he is 6'4" or maybe 6'5") and took his leave.  

As for me, I dressed and headed to my own party.  Ingrid had invited me to a former co-worker's party in Pleasanton and it was a very nice event.  The hostess lost her husband a year ago in early December so technically this was her "second Christmas". Her four siblings all live locally and it is clear she has a great support network in place. The house was full of her siblings, their spouses or SOs, friends and offspring of the various parings. There was a lot going on and it was great!

Why am I being a night owl? Well, I was in China last week and I think jet lag has my internal clock a little wacky. And, that wackiness is interacting with my emotional reaction to the Christmas season. Between the two, I am having just a bit of sleeping difficulty. I am sure it will pass. 

Tuesday evening is Chris, Danny and Sarah for dinner and setting up my tree!  It will be a very good time! 

It's gone this year. Very, very gone.

They say the first holidays are tough. I agree, perhaps I would even say they are worse than tough.  Every song, every shop, every Christmas decoration reminds me of what no longer is. 

In the good years, meaning healthy bonus years, we'd concentrate on making a significant purchase for us and for each other.  For us it would often be something for the house--a decorative rug or a piece of artwork. Or it would be a Christmas trip--Mary loved the four day Christmas celebration at Wyck Hill House at Stow on the Wold in England.  For Mary I would go looking for a nice piece of jewelry or listen for the clues for some electronic gizmo she just had to have--in 2008 it was a Nikon Digital SLR camera.  For me, it was typically electronic in nature and was just the latest thing--and dropping my own clues so she could figure out which gizmo was meant for me.   

Christmas 2009 was very different. Mary was fighting the pain in her back and was on some pretty heavy duty painkillers. And, given the ongoing threat of death from cancer in 2009, the Christmas season was a simple one where we concentrated on Mary with the unsuppressed hope that she was truly on the road to recovery. Click here for a link to December 2009's posts on the other blog.   

We did go to Marge and Dave's Christmas party in 2009 where Marge took this wonderful picture of Mary--the last time Mary dressed up and was able to go out and enjoy friends.

From Marge & Dave's Christmas Party

Click on the picture or the link for a full size view

It's gone this year.  Very, very gone.

Home from New York

Had a great 2.5 days in NYC with my daughter. The city is really fun and much safer, it appears, than the NYC of my impressions. Heck, New Yorkers are even nice and friendly now!

Did a bunch of touristy things including dinner at Pastis, a favorite of Carry, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha. They weren't there last night.

All in all, a great weekend. I'll post more later when I can upload some pictures.

Ciao

Hawaii!

Here are Hawaii pictures with Tom and Reenie. Click on any picture to take you to the album directly. For iPad users, Click here.




p

Shawna, Maui, Hawaii & Ingrid!

Today is going home day. I haven't posted because I have been in Hawaii since Tuesday November 2.

Ingrid has been a saint taking care of Shawna. Ingrid reports that Shawna is eating her normal kibble, drinking water, and properly performing the results of those two activities. She is mobile and active and displays only a slight tilt of her head This is a long way from last week when Shawna's legs didn't work or later when she could only walk in circles and decorated the floor with a real mess. And Ingrid stuck with it and nursed her back to health.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Ingrid.

From Tuesday the 2nd to Monday the 8th I was on Maui with my sister-in-law, Reenie, and her husband, Tom. We had a great time on Maui visiting all the places that were Mary's favorite. We had a great dinner at Mama's, hamburgers at Leilani at Whaler's Village, visited the Coach store there, drove to Hana and the next day to Haleakala, flew to Oahu to visit Pearl Harbor and Waikiki, took a snorkel trip to Molokini and to Turtle Town and the grand finale was dinner at "The Feast at Lele" in Lahaina. I rented a two bedroom condo facing the beach and we could walk just a few paces and be swimming and snorkeling in front of our own unit.

On the 8th, I flew to the Big Island while Reenie and Tom flew home. I was attending the ITPC, a trade conference I have been attending and organizing for about the last ten years--except last year of course (click here for ITPC). This year I moderated a panel discussion.  This conference is designed to include spouses and there was a few times with old friends when the tears appeared. Overall, however, it was very good to be here.

Speaking of tears, Maui was Mary's favorite island. And, we loved staying at the Renaissance in Wailea. The Renaissance is closed now but I managed to rent beachfront condo (Unit 7H) at the Ekahi Village immediately north of the closed hotel. After breakfast, Mary and I would walk the very long stretch of three adjoining beaches--Ulua, Mokapu and Keawakapu--it was our tradition--and the beach walk takes a little over an hour. One day Reenie and Tom joined me and a couple other times I wanted to simply be alone on my walk.

I could feel Mary on those walks.

I watched a family--mom, dad and two very cute 3 year old twin girls just celebrating being on the beach and playing in the surf. We chatted a bit and then I made a comment about how fortunate they were to be on Maui. The mom responded that Grandma and Grandpa had brought them along on this vacation.

I had to take my leave and turn away as I realized Mary would never fulfill her dream of hosting her grandchildren on Maui. I cried then and I am crying now as I write this.

Ciao

Shawna, Shawna!

The x-rays taken Saturday were negative and Shawna proceeded to get worse. So much so, by Sunday evening she could no longer stand on her own legs and her head appeared in a permanent twist to the right.  She had not eaten or drunk since Thursday although the vet had injected saline solution to make sure she wasn't totally dehydratred.  

By early Monday morning, I could not stand to see how poorly she was doing--unable to use her legs, unwilling to eat, barely able to lift her head.  When the Vet's office opened, I called and made an appointment for 8AM to put Shawna down.  After all, she turns 17 in December. Mary and Ingrid agreed to join me at the Vet so they came to the house and we headed to the vet together.  

Our long term vet, Diane Wiese, was on duty. Diane also takes care of Mary's cats so we would be among friends. I carried Shawna into the exam room, the technician had me sign the papers and then Diane joined us.  We were all very sad and Diane said she wanted to do one last look before she got the injection paraphernalia. As she looked at Shawna, she asked about her eyes. They were rapidly twitching from left to right and back again.  Diane stepped out, got some inspection instruments and checked Shawna very thoroughly. I said the twitching had started Sunday and, by the way, here is an iPhone video of her walking on Sunday before her legs totally gave out--Shawna was simply walking in circles.  

Diane views the video then says, "I think we are looking at Old Dog Vestibular disease.  What that means is that Shawna will be fine in 7 to 14 days."  

Say what? 

I immediately did an iPhone search to find results like this one. Click here. 

Ingrid and I did time trades from our jobs while we took care of Shawna Monday. By Monday night, Shawna was eating a chicken-rice-carrot dish that Ingrid had made. Just a tablespoon or two at a time but the fact is, she was eating!  The vet told us we should force food down about every two hours to make sure her intestinal tract was functioning.  Force, heck, it was more like feeding a vacuum cleaner.  That dog was hungry!

Here legs were still not working and her head still had the twist to the right but she did manage to scoot her body out of the bed during the night. I found her about five feet from the dog bed on the floor.  Amazing considering her legs are virtually useless.  

As of this AM, Shawna "produced!" Hey, it was messy but it was a great event. Her intestines are working!  

Now it is the "Tincture of Time" to allow her to recover from the affects of the disease.  Shawna is clearly fighting hard to get better. She is eating, drinking and doing her best to get the legs working again. The attitude is so much better than it was just 48 hours ago.  

If all goes to plan, by this weekend she should be very close to full strength again and by the following weekend back to normal--except for a slight head tilt if I understand the write ups correctly. 

You go girl!  

  

Wow, its been a week!

This week was somewhat uneventful...(I lie)

First, I developed a very painful upper right shin over last weekend. On Monday, it was painful enough that I saw the doc.  She said it appeared to be gout-like, but it is in the wrong place. Gout is ankle or below, this was near my knee.  However, because it appeared to be an inflammation, she put me on turbo Advil (whatever) which I took for three days and now the pain has substantially subsided to the point that I let Ingrid massage it last night.

Second, Shawna is giving me fits. She is acting, finally, like an old dog. She sleeps deeply--its 9:30 on Saturday morning and she is still asleep.  She stopped eating this week and it has taken a lot of encouragement to get her to eat even half of her normal feeding quantity.  I arranged to have MaryR drop her at the vet on Thursday night (thank you, Mary) and by the time I got there after work, they had done some simple and quick blood tests, and it appears we may be moving into kidney failure. Not unexpected on dog that is 17 years old.  Today, I did order the complete blood test and we will do x-rays today to see if it is something obvious other than old age.  Boy, I am hoping for an obstruction--like she ate a toy or something.  Otherwise, it is going to be a very, very sad time as we move into the holidays--like those won't be bad enough this year.

Actually, the holidays will be pretty good. I will spend Thanksgiving with my Daughter and Christmas with my son and his family!  That is a real upper! 

My grief counseling continues and that is very beneficial.  This week we had a large group event with about 40 grievers and we discussed plans and methods to survive the holidays plus we did a very nice ceremony to honor those who have died.  It was a very good event.  Later in the week, I saw my counselor one-on-one and that was a very good session. 

My sister, Sister Maureen CSJ, has a problem with her legs right now and the treatment means she is residing in the convent nursing facility for a while.  Well, my brother Dan and I decided she needed some entertainment so we bought her a new iPad for Christmas--Chrismas of 2010, 2011, 2012 and maybe 2013!!!  My cousin Dr. Mary Jo arranged with her son who works for ATT to acquire the iPad and deliver it to Sister Maureen on Thursday this week.  I heard the screams of joy from St. Paul without a telephone call!  

Time to take Shawna to the vet for her xrays. 

Ciao

Saturday is Laundry Day...

...especially for the single person.

I sorted laundry into my three baskets this morning. I then took my shower because I wanted to add my towel to the day's work. As I came out of the shower, I found that Shawna had created a new dog bed.

Why she picked that particular basket is beyond my understanding, but clearly she is very comfortable.

I totally forgot to post this

I was looking for my post on the Alaska cruise I took with Ingrid and MaryR in August and discovered I never did an entry on this blog.  I think what happened is that I fell and broke a rib and that set me sideways and I never got back to the cruise.  My bad.

The short story is that I took MaryR and Ingrid on a Holland America cruise from Anchorage to Vancouver in August.  We had a blast and truly enjoyed the cruise, the scenery and our friendship.  We also did, as my sister called it, "Performance Art" making sure the other guests were aware of our threesome.  I think the dinner conversation with Fey and Anita from New York summarizes the fun we had.

After our self-introduction of the eight people at the table (Ingrid of Mountain View CA, Pat of Los Gatos CA, Mary of Los Gatos CA, etc.), Anita says , "So Pat and Mary, may I assume because you are both from Los Gatos that you are a couple?"

Our response, "No. We are not a couple."
Anita, "Oh, so Pat and Ingrid are a couple?"
Again, "Nope."
Anita, "Ah, so Mary and Ingrid, you are a couple?"
"Um, nope."
Of course, we manipulated poor Anita into this position with our "Performance Art" consisting of a certain amount of visible intimacy--holding hands, kisses on the cheek, lots of "Darling this and darling that" and that sort of thing as we were seated. We had even established a code to break into our act when we sensed it was time for some laughs.
Anita's traveling buddy, Fey, cut her off as she started to dig deeper into our relationships. It was rather fun to observe.  However, Anita was not done!  Some time later during the meal, Anita blurts out, "So what are the sleeping arrangements on the ship for you three?"
I was flabbergasted and speechless, so too was Ingrid as well as the other people seated at the table!  Mary, however, was much quicker, calmer and she deftly responded while picking up her glass in a toasting fashion towards Anita, "We're from California, why?"
End of discussion!

Taking Ingrid and MaryR on the cruise was a "thank you" for all they had done for Mary during her year of cancer.  I am glad they could take the time to join me and I am very thankful that we had such a great time during the cruise.  We did all sorts of excursions ranging from whale watching, nature tours, glacier visits, sled dog training and MaryR even did a zip line experience.  And, of course, we did the formal nights and even wore red in honor of Mary for the first formal evening.

Clicking on any picture will take you to the album to view full size pictures. For iPad users, click here.


The cruise was a watershed for me!   Taking a week and simply enjoying friendship, a great ship and a wonderful itinerary took  a tremendous burden off my shoulders.  Comparing my overall feeling, attitude and spirits pre- and post- cruise showed a huge improvement in my outlook on life.  I don't know what the mechanism is but investing time in me and taking care of my spirits was extremely beneficial.  I went from being always down in the dumps to being more like the enthusiastic, gregarious, happy person I have always been.  I have my moments and (once in a while) days but they do not dominate my day to day existence as they did before the cruise.  As I wrote recently, most days now it is a momentary sharp jab and it disappears for hours, often until the next day.  Then there are days like the 8th of October and Monday of this week where grief just swamps me.

Consistent with that joyous experience, I am taking Reenie and her husband, Tom, to Hawaii soon.  We'll be on Maui in Wailea, staying in a beach-side condominium.  Again, this is a less than adequate "Thank You" for the weeks--no make that months--that Reenie spent helping me with her sister during the year of cancer.  Reenie and I were together with Mary when she took her last breath.

We are planning a day trip to Pearl Harbor and Honolulu, then horseback riding, Haleakela crater hiking, sunset cruise and lots of "surf, sand and mixed drinks" as Mary would say about our island vacations.

Take care,

p

A Quick Note

Although I am doing well overall, some days are downers. This last weekend was fine but the Monday I hit a downer. I just sort of stayed home and let some (perhaps more than some) of my feelings about Mary's death wash over me. It had the feeling of depression, loneliness, and some degree of despair. I was surprised by these feelings for I did not expect them at all. In the group session on Tuesday night, one of the counselors suggested that I might have needed that time for I have been so busy, I may have been blocking the grieving process.

Just like the 6 month anniversary on the 8th, I was pretty much past those feelings in less than a day. Such is grief.

My bike is in the shop waiting for parts and I am feeling the need to get back to exercise. My kids and I have set holiday plans and I am feeling very, very good about those plans. I got a nice gift from the IRS because I had overwithheld substantially last year--the byproduct of my income being down a huge amount due to the severity of the recession in electronics last year. This year should be more normal. Yes I filed under an extension. I was a bit out of sorts last April.

I hosted a dinner party last Sunday for my friends from Germany. The prior weekend I attended s charity dinner for the San Jose Museum. Of course, I sat in one of United's metal tubes for a total of 22 hours between Tuesday and Saturday to attend an event in China.

I've done The Onion and Farmers Market the last two weekends meeting MaryR and/or Ingrid depending on our personal schedules.

And, I am doing my two weekly grief sessions: on individual and one group session. I find them both to be extremely beneficial.

Ciao

P

Greetings!

Normally I only report on travel after I get home. I am at the airport and will be boarding momentarily and home in a few hours.

I have not posted because I was in China  proper (not Hong Kong) and the government run Internet blocks access to Google's blog pages. And a lot more--like Facebook.  It is really strange to find yourself unable to read or write because of government policies. Internet neutrality forever!

My last posting was pretty much a downer. However, my spirits improved dramatically after that terrible early morning of the 8th so much so that by Friday night I was feeling pretty much ok. Because of preparation for the trip, I simply did not have time to post. And, once at my destination, I could not post due to censorship.

Anyway, time to head to the gate.

Half a year...

Or six months, or 26 weeks, or 182 days.

There has not been a day that my heart has not felt the pain of her absence. Some of those days, the pain was totally unbearable and I didn't know how I could ever function again. Others, the pain was fleeting, a quick stab that came and went in a few labored breaths and not to return until the next day.


Mary with her two Patrick's: Father Patrick McDarby of St John's Abbey and husband, Patrick, 2007.

Half a year and I still don't know what normal will be for my life. Sometimes I feel as though I am adrift seeking some unnamed, unseen and unknown reality. Other times I am totally accepting of my situation and fully acknowledge the here and now IS the here and now.

Much of her surrounds me. The closets still have many of her clothes. What will I ever do with that absolutely gorgeous, size 4P, white St John's knit dress she wore for our wedding?


Son Tim, Mary, son Daniel and Daughter Lara, 1996 Monterey California at our wedding.

Her jewelry stays in the safety deposit box. A few very precious items, family heirlooms mostly, are willed to her family. Most of the rest are gifts i gave her, or items we picked out together to commemorate something special, or simply acquired as a testament to our love. What will I do with her diamond studded wedding band?

The kitchen she designed to fit her 4 ft 11 inch frame and then spent a decade equipping with small appliances and all manner of odds and ends from Williams Sonoma or Sur La Table is a daily reminder of her absence. I have no idea how to cook with most of what she collected. What will I do with it?

The house is Mary. The colors, the fabrics, the furniture are all here because of her taste and style. Heck, even the floor plan reflects her intention and direction. We live on a small unnamed creek in a very natural setting. When we did the major remodel in 2000, I thought Mary would want the kitchen positioned to the back of the house facing the beautiful and natural creek. I was wrong. Very wrong.  She wanted to face the street and watch simple daily living parade by her window every day.


Mary welcoming you to her Christmas hearth, 2006. 

Half a year is less than 1% of my 63 years. How can 1% loom so large? At times it seems as though these six months have taken years to complete. I wish I could say they went by quickly. They did not.

The most pain comes when I want to tell her or show her or ask her something. I want to hear her laugh about something funny. Or have her explain to me something I've read about food, or World War II, or the law which she could do even though she had not seen the same article.


Having a pigeon sit on your head in St. Marks' square, Venice Italy is definite laughter country! 

We'd TiVo Jay Leno at 11:35 pm each night and then watch his monologue the next night at an earlier time as part of our bedtime routine. I miss the sound of Mary's laugh each night as much as I miss her warmth and touch and caress.

For my readers who haven't seen me lately, I am moving forward in my life. I am not frozen trying to bring Mary back or live my life as if she is still here. She is dead (her vocabulary, remember). Yet there is no question that her memory lives on in my heart and soul.

182 days, or 26 weeks, or 6 months or half a year.

Scapin is a riot

ACT's version of Scapin is a riot. It is a mix of the Moliere original and updated with multiple references to modern days--including citing the score of the San Francisco Giants baseball game running concurrently with the play.  Local newspaper reviews are really positive about the performance. 

As I wrote earlier, lunch was provided in the 5th floor gallery and was keynoted by the assistant director discussing the play and answering questions of the staff. We sat at tables for 10 people and I met several of them. Most are donors or board members or trustees. A rather elite group...so why am I there?  Oh, I fit in the donor category. 

After the performance, we met in one of the two lounges and had a chance to met and greet the actors. That was a lot of fun.  The key to Scapin is Bill Irwin who is a physical comic (officially a member of the Clown Hall of Fame) and also he is the author who updated Moliere with modern content. It was a lot of fun. 

After the performance, the lunch bunch headed for one of the lounges and the cast arrived shortly there after to meet and greet us.  It was a kick.  

This whole sequence is very similar to June, but in June lunch was with one of the development staff who took me to lunch in a local restaurant.  Being in a group and chatting with people was very nice.   

All in all, a very good event.  In June, I was really feeling the absence of Mary with strong feelings about how "She should be here" and it made me very sad and maudlin.  Today, I definitely missed her and I also realize that this is one of the things that I will continue without her physical presence but her spirit will definitely be with me.  And that is perfectly fine. 

Home from Japan

As I wrote earlier, I do not post about my travels until I am home. This week was Japan and it turned out to be a great business trip.

Today I head for ACT to attend Scapin.  This is the second time I have returned to the theater without Mary.  I have picked the series where they bring a group of us in, serve lunch in the guest facility on the top floor, we attend the play and then return after the play for a dessert or afternoon aperitif.  I am hoping this added social activity allows me to get through this successfully. We shall see.  Besides, Scapin is a Moliere comedy. 

A few months ago, I wrote that while we were dating in college, Mary introduced me to live theater.  In St Paul-Minneapolis in those days we had the brand new Tyrone Guthrie theater, the prototype for all the repertory theaters across the USA now. The Twin Cities also had a large number of theaters and Mary and I attended shows at many of them, the "Showboat" being the most fun. It was an old Mississippi river boat permanently docked near the University of Minnesota and they put on fun plays (melodrama and comedy) consistent with their riverboat heritage.

 The rest of this weekend is busy with friends and errands. Life goes on and I think I am doing fine.  I got through the anniversary week without too much trauma and avoided the depressing state I hit at the 4th of July.  That, I think, is a good sign.

My original posting about the theater from June of this year:

San Francisco's American Conservatory Theater (ACT) invited me to lunch and to catch the last production of the season on Saturday (the last performance is in a week or two).  I haven't seen a play since Mary presented her symptoms in March of 2009.  In fact, we didn't buy season tickets for 09-10 and I zeroed out ALL of our charitable donations until we understood the cash flow issues with costs of all of Mary's treatments. The ACT staff was most gracious and the play/musical was great. I ended up as the play ended sitting and crying while everyone else, it seemed, was leaving the theater.  Perhaps my emotions are a bit raw (he said perhaps?) but the story line of a couple who did not reconnect and did not have the love and joy and happiness that Mary and I had our 2nd time around really made me sad.  The play is called the Tosca Project and it was written about the history of the past 80 years in San Francisco and placed in a local bar. I found it absolutely enjoyable and emotionally stimulating.  

After the performance, I was invited to a post-performance reception where I met all the actors and chatted with several of them. It was a grand time.  And, in the back of my head was the recurring thought that Mary should be here with me.  She needed to experience this closeness to the theater. 

When we were in college, Mary introduced me to live theater.  We were fortunate to have the Tyrone Guthrie Theater in Minneapolis and they offered a student rush just before performances.  Mary and I saw many plays that way.  The old theater had a projected stage and the student rush tickets tended to be behind the actors but hey, the price was right.  More importantly, Mary introduced me to the theater. From that introduction, I have consistently attended theater for the past 45 plus years. Thank you, Mary!

Mary on TV - Habitat for Humanity

When Mary was feeling pretty good in the fall of 2009, Habitat for Humanity held the dedication of the last homes for which Mary was the Chair of the Family Selection Committee. Mary attended the event and was interviewed by this local news program. Her interview appears about 16:45 into the video.

A "First" Day--Wedding Anniversary

In grief counseling, they talk about the year of "Firsts".  First birthday, first thanksgiving, first whatever.

In July, I wrote about how the 4th of July struck me so hard. It was the "First" 4th without Mary. And, I was  not prepared for the emotional impact of her absence. It put me in a tailspin that lasted for weeks.  Labor day was not as difficult, partly because the experience of the 4th had warned me about my possible reaction, partly because I didn't set up the weekend in the same way that would leave my emotions bare, raw and exposed.

What are the "Firsts?"  Well, for me and Mary it is Mother's Day in May, the three summer holidays although I did not acknowledge Memorial day because I was traveling in Asia. Then its our reconnect day (June 23 when we reconnected in 1990 after 22 years apart), wedding anniversary (Sept 21--yesterday), Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day (the day I proposed in 1996), her birthday (March 7) and my birthday on April 8 which is also the day she died.  I also have to admit the birthdays for the kids and grandkids, both hers and mine, are among those emotional days of "firsts" as well--April, June (3 birthdays), July (2), September, November, January and March.

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary.

From Mary E Quirk Hughes Lamey--Later Years

Pat and Mary, Wedding Day, September 21, 1996, Monterey California
Not only was it an absolutely wonderful event on the deck overlooking Monterey Bay, it was the beginning of a marriage that was incomparable.  The joy and happiness we shared for what turned out to be a short 13.5 years was beyond belief.  I am so glad we had the time we did have, and so glad we were able to share those years together.

Yesterday could have been very rough but it wasn't too bad. I had my regular 1:1 grief session in the afternoon and then I attended a group grief session for the first time with a new group in the evening. This group is sponsored by the same organization (http://www.pathwayshealth.org/) as my 1:1 counselor.  The group consists of nine of us who have all lost spouses or significant others since December of 2009.  We are three men and six women with ages in the early 40s to 70s.  All but one of the spouses died of cancer.

This group is scheduled to meet for six weeks, then take a two week break and start another six weeks. This continues for a year.  I think it might be very helpful, we shall see.

From Mary E Quirk Hughes Lamey--Later Years

Mary in the lagoon of Bora Bora on our honeymoon in 1996. 
Mary is dead, I absolutely know that. But she is still very present in my heart and my mind.  And, every day of "Firsts" represent opportunities for emotional distress.  Some "Firsts" will be very, very bad and others will  not.  Listening and learning from those who offer their expertise and support has been exceptional for their answers relieve me of my self doubts and allow me to concentrate on the essence of my grief.

Ciao,

p

Good Progress

MaryR is doing just fine. They have her on a pneumonia regimen consisting of antibiotics via IV and breathing in some stuff to the lungs every 6 hours. 

She is feeling very good but weak. Food is staying with her and she is on an "almost regular" food diet.  Think soups, casseroles, etc., things that are well cooked and therefore easier to chew and swallow.

Yesterday, the Doctor said she wanted her to stay one more day. Last night, Mary said she didn't really want to be there but the medication routine coupled with her sense of being weak led her to say she should stay a bit more. Whether that is today or Tuesday is up to the doctor. 

Emilie is back from her seminar weekend and will take on more duties for our sick girl.  I think things should progress nicely now.

p

Why do I write this blog?

As I have noted before, I get 'daily affirmations' from a service sponsored by the funeral home here in Los Gatos.  Today's affirmation puts words to the reason I write. 

The Affirmation: 

What power words have; power to comfort, power to inflame, power to shape the love we have for another. What words would you use to express your feelings right now?

Many times, I hear people who are grieving speak of weariness, as if the burden they carry is heavy beyond measure. Others find the experience of grieving to be a deep loneliness.

Still others see overwhelming beauty in the life around them, and feel sadness that their loved one is no longer able to see and experience the richness of life.

Take a few minutes today to give your sorrow words. The act of writing them moves them outside of you, and can bring great peace.

Quotation for the Day

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break. ~William Shakespeare

A diagnosis and good news

MaryR talked to the doctor this morning and they are going to keep her through Monday at least.  The CT scan was negative for blockages--big relief.  However, it appears she has pneumonia in her lower right lung.  The cause isn't really known but the theory is that she did have a flu bug--hence the inability to keep food down--and the "wrong pipe" problem led to some food matter getting into the lung and causing the pneumonia. The respiratory doc said on Friday night if food did go into the lung, it will cause pneumonia and it will take a day or two to show up on an xray. Apparently, it showed up on Saturday's xray although it did not appear on Friday's.  

From 2010 Alaska Mary on the Alaska trip with a new friend!  Mary is feeling feisty so I know she is definitely on the mend.  She had a breakfast planned for this morning and the friends are going to have it with her at the hospital.  The doc wants her on solid foods to make sure the stomach is working but she hasn't had any problems since noon yesterday.   The doc said that because of her history they are being cautious.  The reason for staying is to continue the pneumonia medications via IV plus they have her inhaling some stuff into her lungs to attack the pneumonia.  I'm off doing Farmers Market and delivering her toothbrush and charger for her cell phone in an hour or so. I don't want to crash her breakfast party!

Priorities, priorities...

I'll post later about my week. For right now the concern in MaryR.  She sent me a text last night asking if I could take her "to the ER, no rush."  OK, I know Irish American gals pretty well. Those words mean "Right now!" 

When I arrived ten minutes later, Mary croaked out that she could not breath, that something had apparently gone down into her lungs and she was having great difficulty.  Took her to the closest hospital, El Camino-Los Gatos.  For those of you who recall, Mary had her vegas nerve removed in 2008 (click here for that blog).  The vegas nerve controls the muscles in the throat which means Mary had to learn how to talk, swallow and do other normal things all over again as half of her throat has lost its nerve control system.  Well, it is no surprise that she had difficulty if food went "down the wrong pipe." 

Once there, the triage nurse put the oxygen monitor on first and was digging around for the blood pressure cuff.  Before she could get the cuff on her, the oxygen monitor was providing a value--much too low.  The ER nurse then said, "Let's put you in a bed and finish this in there."  The put her into a bed, whipped an oxygen supply on her and were watching carefully to see if she reacted. She did, the reading climbed to 99-100 fairly quickly. As the value climbed, Mary said she was feeling much, much better but not nearly 100 percent. 

There are two likely scenarios. One, she may be suffering from either pneumonia because of the food entering her lungs and that's what food does--cause pneumonia.  The other likely problem is that she caught a flu bug and that is making her regurgitate and in the regurgitation, it went into her lungs.

They had her stay last night and given her history and that she still cannot hold food, the are keeping her another day.  Right now, I am out and about running errands while Mary is having a CT scan performed.  Hopefully, the CT scan will simply rule out any physical blockage and that will leave us with a flu bug that prompted all of this activity. 


Anyway, more later!


Pat

Erin has her blog together

And this is her tribute to my skills in getting her blog up and running. 

To see Erin's pictures, click here. 

To see and read her blog, click here (http://www.erinbyer.com)

Erin leaves tomorrow for Spain and a wonderful 13 month adventure getting her MBA.  

Enjoy! 

p

As Sunday Winds Down...

It was a good weekend, not too frantic and just social enough to make it interesting.

I find that if I have planned meals for myself, I am much more upbeat than when simply grab a frozen meal from the freezer.  I guess it is the sense of accomplishment.  The other upbeat meal is when I am eating with someone.  That proves to be a very positive experience.

Thursday I signed the papers for the refi on the house.  I am taking out a 30 year fixed at a very favorable rate. This gets me out of the issue of doing a refi in 5 years on an adjustable for the simple reason that I am 63 and I may or may not be working in five year and therefore may or may not be able to refi the house then.  It is now fixed and will not change.  Fini.

Friday was the completion of a big push at work. We finished the BoD presentation at 3PM in the afternoon so we could "relax" which for me means firing up on the ET Conference which is the big event that will start in December with abstract submissions and end in May after the 8 city tour.  We then had a couple of BoD presentation issues that needed resolution that caused me to leave after 6PM. I had been hoping for an early departure but it didn't happen.

Saturday turned out to be a lazy day. I did drop off my dry cleaning but that was late in the afternoon as I headed to Erin's goodbye party.  Erin is the Habitat for Humanity executive who is going to take a year and earn her MBA in Madrid.  It was a very nice party and all in all was a very pleasant event on a beautifully blue sky day with warm temperatures and very mild breezes.  Erin promises she will post pictures from the party, but as of this writing they are not on her website www.erinbyer.com

Early Saturday, MaryR and I decided to go see a movie after the party for Erin.  A short time later, Thomas and Susan, co-workers from Germany, called to see if I was free for dinner--they were in town.  Because I had committed to Mary, I turned Susan and Thomas down.  Later in the afternoon, Mary then let me know she was going to cancel--she was whipped after her regatta trip to Canada and wanted to rest--so I connected with Thomas and Susan and we met at a pizza place in Mountain View.  The pizza place was one of Susan's favorites when she was a student at Stanford and it apparently hasn't changed in the years since then.  Because it was in Mountain View where Ingrid lives, I asked if she'd join us and she did.  Thomas and Susan had been regular readers of the blog about Mary's year with cancer and they wanted to meet Ingrid who had done so much.  It was also fun because Thomas and Ingrid are both from Munich and from time to time all three of them would describe the world through German eyes.  Lots of laughing.

Sunday morning I met MaryR at the Purple Onion.  Ingrid did not join us because she is getting ready for a trip to Munich to be at her parents 60th anniversary!  Mary and I had a nice chat and I learned all about her week at the Regatta.  She had multiple boats for which she performed her Coxswain duties--and one of them medaled!  Great trip.

I got my hair cut after the Onion and then back home to check up on and work on "other stuff" for the BoD meeting.  I certainly hope we've got it all covered.

The day is almost done. Maybe one TV show and then off to bed.

p

Five Months and Counting

It is September 8 today, the five month anniversary of Mary's death.

I've been feeling a bit blue the past 24 hours as I think about her. I shed tears several times last night and this morning just doing regular stuff and remembering what it was like doing the same things when she was here. I guess I still harbor a secret hope that she will somehow reappear in my life. I know that is nonsense but the heart and the head express the longing for her in strong emotions.

Fortunately, I have not fallen into a real funk as happened in early July. Rather, it is a feeling of loss and grief and remembering and wishing and hoping I could see her again. But not to the exclusion of what I need to do to live and flourish today and tomorrow. I think that is the difference between now and early July.

Over the weekend, I read my blog for September-October-November last year. It was the end of October, beginning of November that was her best time since the surgery. Halloween-time. She baked cookies and was making dinners for us and generally was doing pretty good. She was even driving herself to Stanford and doing grocery shopping. The back pain had not emerged to the point where they had put her on narcotic based painkillers. That started later in November.

The year before, November 2008, we flew to Germany for the wedding of our good friends, Ute and JoKi. Man, that was not quite two years ago. How things change!

Fourteen years ago in September we were married. Little did we know how quickly those years would go by and how few of them we would have. Mary's dad had heart problems starting in his 50s and he died at the age of 86. Mary's mom rolled on to 97 with no particular problems other than old age. We always figured I'd go first and she'd have to deal with life after I was gone.

There are no guarantees, eh?

Pat

Labor Day Weekend

The good news is that I did not go into a massive downer like I did for the 4th of July.  The better news is that I actually did pretty good all weekend in spite of the broken rib. 

Friday night was quiet. I had worked from home in the morning and then went to the office for a couple of afternoon meetings.  On my way home, I realized I had not eaten since my morning latte so I stopped and picked up Chinese at my favorite place.  Once home, I figured out how to watch streaming movies from Netflix on my iPad.  Man, is that dangerous!  A person can go into a catatonic state watching all that is available from Netflix!  

Saturday was errand day as usual.  Dry cleaner, getting the cars washed, oil change on the Element, Lunardi's for groceries, Walgreens for my prescription, Trader Joe's for some specific groceries, etc.  Rather mundane but it must be done. I had planned to make a BLT for dinner on Saturday because it just sounded good and I had tomatoes already from Bill and Lillian's garden, the neighbors across the street. At Lunardi's, I picked up sandwich bread, lettuce and potato salad from their deli case.  When I got home, I realized I forgot the bacon...duh!  So much for my BLT!

The big deal on Saturday was taking Shauna and Idjit Dawg in to the vet for bordadella vaccination and a blood draw to check for heart worm.  I brought along all the doggie medications from the house and the technician patiently grouped the stuff I needed so I could better manage their medications.  I also gave them the stuff I can no longer use.  Mary always took care of the dogs meds, which are dispensed monthly.  Once we get the results of the blood draw, I will start with the monthlies again.   

Sunday was Farmers' Market in Los Gatos and I got both tuna and salmon. The corn folks are still there so I bought corn on the cob and that is a great late summer treat.  They said they'd be there for another week or two and then the season is over.  The apple guy appeared and that is a big clue that we are heading into fall produce and summer is just about done.  I loaded up with fruits and veggies otherwise as the cupboard was bare.  Part of Saturday's chores was to throw out everything that was questionable. After all, I had not really been shopping since July so I figured it was time to do a good clean out!

I was to meet my goddaughter, Emilie, and Ingrid for breakfast at The Purple Onion.  Ingrid appeared but Emilie did not, she overslept and we missed her.  Ingrid stopped in for a visit and did nursing duties trying to get the rather large and ugly lump on my arm to be less intimidating.  It is a build up of blood and tissue from the fall on the bike two weeks ago and is a beautiful purple color. The three doctors I saw last week all said it would go away in a month or two.  Ingrid was trying to hurry it up.  She doused my elbow with a solution of Domeboro multiple times all day while we watched movies--I cannot tell you if the Domeboro made a difference in the size or color.  I really have no pain with the left elbow or right wrist if I stay on my advil-tylenol regimen.  However, as soon as I skip, they start singing at me.  The pain from the rib is also well controlled unless I try to do something stupid which includes sitting in one position too long, slouching in a chair, coughing, sneezing, picking up something too heavy, laying on my left side and, unfortunately, simply trying to get up out of bed--although that may be because by morning the painkillers have worn off. 

Monday I hosted one of the Habitat Executives who is leaving to attend an MBA program in Spain in another week or so. We took the better part of the afternoon and set up her blog page and I showed her how to do the photo links, etc.  You can check it out at http://www.erinbyer.com 

All in all, a nice uneventful weekend.  Back to the grind in the morning.

p

Trip to the Vet

They did bordadella vaccination and a draw for a heart worm test for both dogs. The results will be back on Tues or Wed.

I did ask them to check Shauna's weight and she has lost about 4 lbs over the past 12 months. She was 24-ish and she is now about 20. Ingrid, thank you for saying something this week. I too was wondering but with Ingrid's comment, I insisted they pull up the chart and we looked at her history.

As a result, I am going to increase her kibble for a month or so to see if she can not only stop losing but also gain a bit back.

Mary and I got Shauna in the summer of 1997, the year after we were married, and she turned 4 that December of 1997 which means she was born in 1993. That would mean she is going to be 17 this December but that also sounds wrong, I thought she would be 18 this year. I haven't come across her papers lately. When I do, I will double check.

Idjit Dawg is just fine.

p

Sent from my iPad

Running with a Broken Rib

Well, not actually running. But, chasing hard at work.  As I wrote previously, the strategic plan is done (for now) and my product takes over with lots of pressure and long hours. It seems like there is no relaxing before the next major thing comes up and takes over.

Saturday was a busy day as I had to make up for losing the prior weekend because of the fall off of my bike. Lots of errands and handling paperwork to get my tax documents to my CPA so he can file by Oct 15.

Sunday I attended a very nice picnic in Healdsburg at the Lambert Bridge Winery. I was Ingrid's guest at an AMD Alumni picnic--her old marketing group--that was triggered by one of the members being in town from Europe.  We had a nice drive in the convertible to Sonoma on Sunday morning. We had also bought tickets to "The Birth of Impressionism" at the De Young in San Francisco for that evening so we caught that on the way home. A very nice exhibit that ends its run in SF this weekend.  Ingrid then navigated to a restaurant called the "Beach Chalet" right on the Pacific and we had a light meal (Ahi Tuna Tartare and Shrimp-Avacado appetizers.)  The car automatically tracks how much driving you do each day--it turns out that I spend almost 7 hours in the car by the time I got home at midnight.  Ingrid lives in Mountain View which is on my way to and from Sonoma.

Tuesday I had my regular checkup with my heart specialist. She was beaming with pride about my lower blood pressure (117/74), my loss of weight (7 lbs), and my cholesterol falling dramatically (big drop!).  So much so, she is considering taking me off at least one of my medications at my next visit.  I like that, the fewer meds the better.  

Early Tuesday morning early I delivered MaryR to the airport as she headed off to a week's trip for a rowing regatta in Canada. She always has fun with the regattas. One of the clubs she belongs to is a virtual club and they only get together at the regattas.  That means that she does her coxswain position for two clubs. I got an email that on the first day she was in three boats already so she'll have a good regatta with that as a start.

I am refinancing the house to a fixed mortgage given today's rates. There was some confusion about names and titles so we had three attorneys working the problem yesterday. I just got a call and I guess I get to sign today.  I like the idea of a fixed mortgage at my age--it will removed uncertainty in the monthly cost going forward.  I am hoping real estate in the valley recovers over the next few years. At some point I will sell the house and I'd like to do it closer to the top of the market, not the bottom. That could mean a significant difference in retirement funds.

My rib is still broken although I only feel it now and then. My contused elbow is UGLY!  Its all swollen and has been turning colors as the underlying tissue and blood do their thing.  The doctors vary in opinion and the most optimistic says it will be gone in 3-4 weeks. The cardiologist says that the blood thinner I am on will extend it for 8 weeks or so.

On Saturday I take Shawna and Idjit Dawg to the vet along with all the doggie meds laying around the house.  It turns out I should have been giving some of these to the dogs from time to time.  So Saturday's appointment is "educate the clueless dog owner on how to take care of the dogs". Mary always took the lead on the monthly medications and what not and I never learned what I should be doing.  That will end this weekend.

Its a three day weekend coming up and Monday I am helping one of the Habitat executives prepare a blog. She is leaving Habitat to attend school in Spain to earn an MBA and she wants to write a blog about her experiences.  So we'll have a nice session getting it all set up for her.

Work looks like it will put me on the road again.  Between now and Christmas I see four trips on the horizon so far: Japan, China, Hawaii (tough duty but someone has to do it) and Macao.  Add in a few weekend trips to visit offspring and grandkids and its gonna be a busy fall!

Feel free to drop a line.  Email to "pat [at] lamey . us . com" replacing the [at] with @ and eliminating all the spaces and quote marks.

Ciao!

A busy and quiet Saturday

Last night was fun. The contractor who remodeled this house in 2000-01 held a 30th anniversary of his business last night. I stopped in at the party (at his office), met many of the folks who worked on my place and also met others who had work done by Steve. It was a nice group and Steve put on quite a spread of food, wine and good fellowship. http://www.rehdercon.com to read more about his company.

Today, I slept in because I was just plain tired. Once I was up, showered and dressed, I headed for the lab to do a blood draw (routine). Because I was fasting, I wasn't sure if I should take my pain medications before that so I did not. That is how one learns if they are doing any good. Oh, did it hurt until I took them after the blood draw! Ouch and it wasn't only the rib. Both the elbow and wrist were singing to tell me they were hurting.

After my first round of Tylenol things got better. They were much better 4 hours later when I added a dose of Advil. Since then, I have been good all day.

Errands were the order of the day. Dog food, dry cleaners, blood test and a stop in at the Vet to find out why they sent me these cards about the dog's health. As a result, my next appointment is next Saturday that includes lessons to teach the clueless dog owner how to take care of the critters. Who knew?

The rest of the day has been spent working on finding the appropriate tax documents. Last spring, my CPA filed an extension given that Mary died on April 8 and I had not pulled paperwork together in time for the filing. He has sent a note that September 1 is his cutoff for the Oct 15 filing so I am plowing through our paperwork. Mary and I had a system that we used each year where the bills, brokerage statements, insurance mailings, etc., had a place in a set of 3 ring binders we kept. Well, the 2008 binders were never used and during 2009 there was no way. So I am now properly sorting and filing 30 months of paperwork while grabbing every tax related statement I can find to send to my CPA. Job one is to simply put the right paperwork in the right stack for each year. I have been on that for several hours now and 2007, 2008 and some of 2010 is done.

As I noted above, the 2008 papers were never put in our filing system. In hindsight, I am wondering if Mary was starting to feel poorly and the lack of filing effort may have been a symptom. Then my mind goes to "Well, if it was a symptom, so what? Until the gall bladder pain became so extreme, there was no justification to do surgery. And, surgery was the only way to confirm that cancer was present."

While working on the paperwork, my iPod was playing Roberta Flack's albums. "Killing me softly" was her biggest hit, I think. Combining her emotion packed songs while looking at Mary's handwriting and other bits of her history is 2008 is an emotional roller coaster for me.

My grief counselor suggested I plan to be alone tonight (since I had no plans anyway) to let my emotions come forward. I have been so busy with work and other social activities since Alaska they were being probably being sidetracked by all the activity. Basically, it is good to slow down and let the emotions come forward. And yes, they do come forward. Finding Mary's handwriting on a check or a note on a bill that is is paid triggers strong feelings--just seeing her writing strikes pretty hard. God, I find myself crying over "Paid, BoA on-line, May 10" on a monthly bill.

Kelli, my counselor, said that grief is totally unpredictable. The fact that the month of August was an emotional high for me does not lead to the conclusion that my grieving is over. It does point to a likelihood that I will be able to move forward positively from here, but I will also have those horrible down cycles between here and full emotional health. One day at a time.

p

The rib is getting better

I stopped the Vicodin on Sunday morning and my head came back to me by late afternoon. It was nice to have it return to my control!  

On Monday night, I scrounged some frozen thingys from the fridge.  Tuesday, work wrapped up shortly after 8PM (another 12+ hour day) and I sent Ingrid a text message. She had not had dinner so we went to a place in Mountain View and had a tapas meal.  Wednesday was dinner with two of the Habitat for Humanity executives at nice neighborhood Italian place near Santa Clara University.  Tonight was dinner with a co-worker who is in his 2nd year of assignment in Germany and is in town for the Strategy Meetings I have been working on so diligently the past weeks. I haven't had a chance to talk to him for a long time so it was nice to catch up.  He wanted ethnic food not easily available in Germany so we had Mexican tonight. 

MaryR has stopped by each morning to place fresh bandages on my elbow after my shower. Thank you, Mary!  I learned I could not wrap the darn thing myself so her 10 min visits have been most helpful! 

It is a little after 10 and I am fading.  I think I will sign off and do a catch up blog on Saturday. 

Pat

A long day getting longer

Well, one of the nice things about High Tech is that when you have things to do, you have things to do. And right now, work is a priority.  So my first work day after breaking a rib was a short 12 hours--and after I eat, I've got a couple hours of work to do.  Then its off to bed and up early again!

That is actually unfair. This is the closing week for the strategic plan I have been working on since mid-July and it simply must get done.  After Thursday, it will become easier for about 12 hours and then I start on my product launch project again.  Man, feel like a treadmill! 

Last night I hosted MaryR, her daughter Emilie and step-son Rich who I had not seen for 18 years. And, Emilie's girlfriend, Joy.  Ingrid wasn't able to make it and we missed her.  Hosting is a strong word. I sort of hung out with my painful left side while MaryR did most of the work.  And, Rich learned a bit being in my kitchen with all the toys my Mary had acquired over the years.  The lettuce dryer was #1 until I showed him the digital meat thermometer which allows me to cook to perfection! 

This week will be uneventful, I am sure. I am just tired and sore and not moving too fast. 

p

Yup, its a broken rib

And a contusion on my left elbow and a mild sprain on my right wrist. Yesterday was 'have-a-nice-trip' day on Vicodin. Hey, I even watched a NASCAR race for the first time in my life. When you are on Vicodin, it seemed interesting!

This morning, some of the Vicodin side effects are showing up (nausea in particular) so I think I will cut the dose in half for the next couple of cycles. The instructions allow me to do that.

MaryR has been very helpful. First, she took me to ER on Friday night and brought me back. And, stopped in a couple of times on Saturday with food! Most appreciated. The key thing is that I need to wrap/compress the elbow contusion and that is virtually impossible to do that on yourself--at least for me it is. So MaryR has also done nurse duty by properly wrapping my elbow. Thank you!

All I can say about this whole thing is "Wear your helmet!!" My fall was basically caused by the front brake grabbing and on a bike, that can put you head over the handlebars--which is exactly what it did to me. I managed to do this in front of neighbors out walking their dogs. In fact, I was slowing down to stop and talk to them when it happened.

We didn't quite have the conversation I expected to have given I landed on my head with my bike on top of me. At first I was very concerned because I could not breath--had the wind knocked out of me. I then realized another neighbor had come out of his house--I managed to pull this stunt in front of the Doctor's house. He was firing questions at me and I know he was trying to determine if a call to 911 was necessary. Thanks to the Doc for making that assessment.

Anyway, I walked home while the original neighbor I had wanted to talk to walked my bike home. I called Ingrid who had one more client for the evening and MaryR. MaryR was able to come over and take me to the ER.

The rest is straightforward. X-ray confirmed a broken rib on the left side. Observations confirmed a contusion of the left elbow. Mild sprain of the right hand and a number of minor abrasions. The biggest issue is the Vicodin simply puts me in a parallel universe...Happy, Happy!

That's all for now!

p

Friday Nite Pain

I managed to go head over heels on my bike tonight. No head or neck damage. I think I broke a rib, trashed my left elbow and sprained my right wrist.

I am in ER, have seen the doc and now waiting for pain killers, tetanus and a trip to the x-ray department.

Long night ahead.

Drinking from a fire hose

My company does its strategic planning in the month of August. And, as a strategy officer, I have to pull together a bunch of inputs from managers all over the world. Herding cats is easier. Long days--start at 8 or earlier and wrap up by 8 or so in the evening. Makes one tired.

Marge and Dave did invite me to the Pebble Beach Concours d'Elegance on Sunday. It was a blast seeing all of the old cars. Jaguar was a featured mark as was Ferrarri, Pierce Arrow and Alfa Romeo. I have to say these old cars are just so beautiful with their complicated lines and antique mechanisms. It was just a riot.

Ingrid, MaryR and I had a nice dinner on Saturday. It was full of laughter and story telling about the cruise. Ingrid brought the smoked salmon she had purchased in Alaska as the prime feature of the meal and we matched it with all sorts of fun stuff including some really nice champaign.



Saturday was almost exclusively errands and house duties. Laundry, ironing, shopping, etc. As my dry cleaner noted when I dropped in "It seems so strange to see you here without Mary. You two always ran your Saturday errands together." I really do appreciate his comment and it is true. And, the comment didn't send me into a grief depression either. My spirits are feeling pretty good overall.

This week is two concerts, a couple of dinners and time to work on my photos so I can post them here for you.

All in all, things are very good right now. One of my direct reports said today, "Your spirits are clearly much better so the vacation did you a world of good." I agree.

p

I'm back!

I didn't post because I was in Alaska on a cruise.  I've decided to not post until after I return so that the house is not a target while I am traveling. And, cruise ships in the north Pacific do not have reasonably priced internet connectivity so I simply waited until I got home.  I am home now.

The ship was the Holland America's Statendam departing Seward (aka Anchorage) and arriving Vancouver BC a week later.  The ship stopped to view glaciers in College Fjord and Glacier Bay.  It also docked and spent a day each in Haines, Juneau and Ketchikan.

The weather was pretty good overall with only one rain day and that was in Ketchikan.

I did travel with friends and we had a blast.  I'll write more about that later.

Overall, I am feeling so much better.  Being away, no concerns, spending time with friends was absolutely a great thing to do.  When I picked up the dogs on Monday, Diane the Vet looked at me and said, "You look so much better, clearly you had a great vacation week."  Well, she isn't a doctor but she does judge the health of most of her patients by simply looking at them so I guess that is a fully qualified medical opinion.

As is typical, I have a bunch of pictures. I'll post the link when I have them uploaded on the picasa website.

And, Idjit Dawg is just fine.  She just doesn't have the typical doggie digestive system that allows her to consume fowl droppings--apparently a doggie treat according to the vet.

Later

I've been busy...

No posts this week except for the medical issue with Idjit Dawg and goose poop.  The Vet says she is fine and will, hopefully, avoid ingesting the same stuff again. I can only hope.

As for me, I have been very busy with a special personal project.  I'll be able to report on that on Monday so watch this space as of Tuesday morning. 

Otherwise, things are good and I'll be posting more soon.

P

Idjit Dawg has passed her latest crisis

Amazingly enough, Idjit Dawg refused food last Thursday (both meals) and Friday morning. At that point, I called the vet and MaryR was kind enough to take Idjit to the vet's office.  They took possession of her and began a battery of tests.  We're talking blood tests and x-rays, hydration techniques and collection of anything she happens to "produce." 

The bottom line is that the tests of blood and stool indicate she had ingested the droppings of some fowl--duck or goose--and her digestive system did not tolerate it at all.  In fact, she was very sick, no energy, no barking, no irritating behaviors at all. She had become a lump with a wiggly tail. By Saturday she was back at 90% and the vet kept her so they could watch over the weekend. 

The bottom line is that she is just fine.  And, another "tiny" vet bill has been incurred.  Smile...

Minnesota Weekend Wrapup

I have been very busy with work and other things and just haven't had a chance to finish the last part of the weekend in Minnesota.

On Monday morning, I said goodbye to the Farmers and headed to Duluth. I did stop at the St Ben's bookstore and bought a shirt, a cap and a sweatshirt. Duluth is like San Francisco. It can be hot as you approach the city, but once there, it is cold. Rumor has it that San Francisco sells more sweatshirts per capita than any other city with the possible exception of Duluth. So properly equipped, I headed out for the port city.

As originally promised, I arrived at my hotel around 2:30. It was located on Canal Park which means it is in the heart of the area that has gone under massive updating in the past decade or more. Mary's sister Maureen aka Reenie and Tom arrived from their office about the same time I did. We had a great chat for a couple hours, talking about everything and nothing all at the same time.

We then headed out to the lakefront. I was prepared for the Duluth chill and instead it was actually warm, hot even. It seems that Duluth can get caught in a bit of an inversion layer that holds the heat in. Well, I was there on the day that had happened. Reenie's sons Morgan and Colin with his wife Erin arrived. We then headed over to another part of town undergoing a renovation and ate in an old factory turned cool (as in neat) restaurant.

When we got back to my hotel, the kids took off and Reenie, Tom and I walked the area. We were able to see a large cargo ship leave the Duluth harbor, go under the lift bridge and head out to the East and the Great Lakes beyond Lake Superior. There was quite a crowd of summer tourists just kinda hanging around watching the boats and ships pass under the lift bridge.

During our conversations, we acknowledged our loss and the way we miss Mary. Reenie was such a saint during Mary's last year with all the time she spent out here with us. And Mary truly appreciated it. So did I. The care, feeding and loving that Reenie provided was such a huge positive factor. I have found writings by Mary celebrating with great joy the reconnection with Reenie and truly wonderful meaning is had in Mary's life. It is so wonderful that connection did happen.

Tom and Reenie headed home and I headed for the sack. Unfortunately, although I was feeling tired, I just was not able to sleep. My guess is that the intensity of being with Mary's sister plus the lingering emotional excursions from the Farmers' weekend had my head and heart churning in a way I had not realized. Eventually, I fell asleep and I let nature wake me up. I did have to rush to grab breakfast before they shut down the food line so I did sleep. That is good.

I then sent messages to my sister (Sister Maureen) and to my cousin, Dr. Mary Jo to join me for lunch. We agreed on a place near Mary Jo's house and we met there at the appointed hour--about 1:30PM. We then spent the afternoon talking about this, that and everything. If you have read the blog about Mary's last year, you know Mary Jo was incredibly helpful in helping me with the funeral arrangements in St. Paul. It was good to see her again.

We then went to Mary Jo's house to say hello to her husband, Denny. We were inspecting movies her father, my uncle, had taken and were now in her possession. The film appeared to be in good shape so she was going to investigate converting the film to DVD and discovering who and what were recorded on them. All I can remember is that Uncle Coleman had a light bar that consisted of 4 or maybe 6 flood lamps and when he turned it on to record a movie, all we could do was squint. Which lead the adults to say to the kids, "Stop squinting." Uh huh. After a too short visit, it was time for me to head to the airport so I bid farewell and headed to MSP.

This was a really good visit. Spending time with my sister and then with her and our cousin Mary Jo was extremely good. Seeing Reenie and Tom and a couple of their offspring was a treat and something I want to do more often. The Farmer weekend was simply superb. There is no way to describe the warmth, loving and concern that group of 15 people expressed for me and well as sharing the loss of Mary.

Father Patrick's mass is among the most emotional experiences I have had since Mary died. Knowing how much she loved Father Patrick and how much his love and guidance had helped her in her life, I was absolutely breathless and tearful as he said the mass. And to be with this wonderful group of loving and true friends was truly spiritual and rewarding.

God Bless and Thanks to All.