It's gone this year. Very, very gone.

They say the first holidays are tough. I agree, perhaps I would even say they are worse than tough.  Every song, every shop, every Christmas decoration reminds me of what no longer is. 

In the good years, meaning healthy bonus years, we'd concentrate on making a significant purchase for us and for each other.  For us it would often be something for the house--a decorative rug or a piece of artwork. Or it would be a Christmas trip--Mary loved the four day Christmas celebration at Wyck Hill House at Stow on the Wold in England.  For Mary I would go looking for a nice piece of jewelry or listen for the clues for some electronic gizmo she just had to have--in 2008 it was a Nikon Digital SLR camera.  For me, it was typically electronic in nature and was just the latest thing--and dropping my own clues so she could figure out which gizmo was meant for me.   

Christmas 2009 was very different. Mary was fighting the pain in her back and was on some pretty heavy duty painkillers. And, given the ongoing threat of death from cancer in 2009, the Christmas season was a simple one where we concentrated on Mary with the unsuppressed hope that she was truly on the road to recovery. Click here for a link to December 2009's posts on the other blog.   

We did go to Marge and Dave's Christmas party in 2009 where Marge took this wonderful picture of Mary--the last time Mary dressed up and was able to go out and enjoy friends.

From Marge & Dave's Christmas Party

Click on the picture or the link for a full size view

It's gone this year.  Very, very gone.