A "First" Day--Wedding Anniversary

In grief counseling, they talk about the year of "Firsts".  First birthday, first thanksgiving, first whatever.

In July, I wrote about how the 4th of July struck me so hard. It was the "First" 4th without Mary. And, I was  not prepared for the emotional impact of her absence. It put me in a tailspin that lasted for weeks.  Labor day was not as difficult, partly because the experience of the 4th had warned me about my possible reaction, partly because I didn't set up the weekend in the same way that would leave my emotions bare, raw and exposed.

What are the "Firsts?"  Well, for me and Mary it is Mother's Day in May, the three summer holidays although I did not acknowledge Memorial day because I was traveling in Asia. Then its our reconnect day (June 23 when we reconnected in 1990 after 22 years apart), wedding anniversary (Sept 21--yesterday), Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day (the day I proposed in 1996), her birthday (March 7) and my birthday on April 8 which is also the day she died.  I also have to admit the birthdays for the kids and grandkids, both hers and mine, are among those emotional days of "firsts" as well--April, June (3 birthdays), July (2), September, November, January and March.

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary.

From Mary E Quirk Hughes Lamey--Later Years

Pat and Mary, Wedding Day, September 21, 1996, Monterey California
Not only was it an absolutely wonderful event on the deck overlooking Monterey Bay, it was the beginning of a marriage that was incomparable.  The joy and happiness we shared for what turned out to be a short 13.5 years was beyond belief.  I am so glad we had the time we did have, and so glad we were able to share those years together.

Yesterday could have been very rough but it wasn't too bad. I had my regular 1:1 grief session in the afternoon and then I attended a group grief session for the first time with a new group in the evening. This group is sponsored by the same organization (http://www.pathwayshealth.org/) as my 1:1 counselor.  The group consists of nine of us who have all lost spouses or significant others since December of 2009.  We are three men and six women with ages in the early 40s to 70s.  All but one of the spouses died of cancer.

This group is scheduled to meet for six weeks, then take a two week break and start another six weeks. This continues for a year.  I think it might be very helpful, we shall see.

From Mary E Quirk Hughes Lamey--Later Years

Mary in the lagoon of Bora Bora on our honeymoon in 1996. 
Mary is dead, I absolutely know that. But she is still very present in my heart and my mind.  And, every day of "Firsts" represent opportunities for emotional distress.  Some "Firsts" will be very, very bad and others will  not.  Listening and learning from those who offer their expertise and support has been exceptional for their answers relieve me of my self doubts and allow me to concentrate on the essence of my grief.

Ciao,

p