My company's strategic planning season starts now--it's one of the major things I am responsible for in my organization. It wraps up with an intermediate conclusion in late August-Sept and the final in November. Typically, the ET Conference and World Tour planning starts in December and wraps up by the end of May. And, there is a one to three week gap between the two initiatives. Not this year, the final ET event is next week and the strategic process has already started. The overlap is killer as we are into the final hours of preparing to host 700 employees for a two day conference.
Overlaying both of these processes is my real job--marketing for new products we are introducing to the market--and managing the processes (practices and tools) we use to develop our new products. All of this together is the reason I have been so busy and not writing as much as I would like.
In contrast, the year of Mary's cancer found me with lots of waiting time while Mary slept, relaxed, watched TV or movies (chick flicks, British TV on PBS, cooking shows and "What not to wear" being the biggies). My role was one of being available for whatever she needed at the moment whether it was food, blankets, holding of hands, massaging feet or simply just being at her side so she wasn't alone. During these times I would sit with Mary and start to watch whatever show she was playing (TiVo and Netflix on demand allowed her to have an inventory of her favorite shows all the time) but it didn't take long before I'd lose interest in Cents and Scents-ability (whatever) and start writing blog entries. I realized during Mary's final weeks when family was with us that I was unable to write as often as I had become accustomed for the simple reason that family was here and I was talking to real people face to face and not typing on a keyboard.
Yesterday I attended two grief sessions. One was at Pathways and it is a private session with a very nice therapist named K and I wrote about that first session Monday a week ago. The other was at Stanford Hospitals and was a small group run by one of the spiritual counselors, S.
This week, K and I got right to discussing what was happening to me at times. In grief, there are often trigger events that cause tears and horribly terrible feelings of loss, loneliness and pain. K let me describe my week and then she offered some very straightforward actions and therapies I could use to help me through the grieving process. As an example, my iPod has a playlist of jazz music that Mary and I listened to during dinner for the last five years or so. It starts with Al Jarreau and moves on to Earl Klugh and many others including the Manhattan Transfer. Its just kinda our dinner music. These are different songs than I used at the Remembrances for they were the background of our dinner meals and conversations. I have found that some days I can listen to those songs and simply feel a touch of melancholy from them, but then again, that is what many of those songs do anyway--after all, it is jazz. Other days, any one of those songs can trigger a huge emotional response and I end up with some serious crying and tears. K talked about desensitization and how I can use music to help me move through the feelings.
Another symptom is my lack of ability to sleep. I find myself going to bed at midnight only to be followed by hours and hours of inability to sleep. Some nights I turn the light off at 3:30AM and the alarm goes off at 6AM. K has recommended some breathing exercises as well as bedtime routines to help me relax, calm my mind and let me fall asleep much sooner. Frankly, it worked with some success last night.
The group session was very different. S lead a discussion on the characterization of grief. It is a fast downhill slide followed by a relatively long recovery period to get back to close to prior feelings and then "boom!" something triggers the tears and its a fast downhill slide again.
I talked about my experience in Japan a couple of weeks ago. Mary always wanted me to call when landing after any flight (domestic or international) just so she could relax knowing I was safely on the ground. Japan was a special case because Japan has been on a different cell phone system than the rest of the world. Twenty years ago, arriving at Narita meant buying a phone card and finding a yellow international phone and placing a very short but sweet call, "I'm on the ground, I love you, all ways and always, any news? Bye." During the last decade, it was simpler because you could rent a cell phone and make the call easily. This last trip, my world phone worked from the minute I turned it on! What a change, so easy, so advanced--but then I realized Mary was not at home waiting for my call--so the tears came and I rode that fast downhill slide while on the bus to my hotel.
The Stanford group with S will meet again in about 8 weeks. I have my appointment with K for next Thursday again. TIme to go home, change, feed the dogs and head over to Ingrid's salon. She had an opening at 8PM so I am having my weekend massage tonight. Should make for a comfortable weekend.
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