Wow, its been a week!

This week was somewhat uneventful...(I lie)

First, I developed a very painful upper right shin over last weekend. On Monday, it was painful enough that I saw the doc.  She said it appeared to be gout-like, but it is in the wrong place. Gout is ankle or below, this was near my knee.  However, because it appeared to be an inflammation, she put me on turbo Advil (whatever) which I took for three days and now the pain has substantially subsided to the point that I let Ingrid massage it last night.

Second, Shawna is giving me fits. She is acting, finally, like an old dog. She sleeps deeply--its 9:30 on Saturday morning and she is still asleep.  She stopped eating this week and it has taken a lot of encouragement to get her to eat even half of her normal feeding quantity.  I arranged to have MaryR drop her at the vet on Thursday night (thank you, Mary) and by the time I got there after work, they had done some simple and quick blood tests, and it appears we may be moving into kidney failure. Not unexpected on dog that is 17 years old.  Today, I did order the complete blood test and we will do x-rays today to see if it is something obvious other than old age.  Boy, I am hoping for an obstruction--like she ate a toy or something.  Otherwise, it is going to be a very, very sad time as we move into the holidays--like those won't be bad enough this year.

Actually, the holidays will be pretty good. I will spend Thanksgiving with my Daughter and Christmas with my son and his family!  That is a real upper! 

My grief counseling continues and that is very beneficial.  This week we had a large group event with about 40 grievers and we discussed plans and methods to survive the holidays plus we did a very nice ceremony to honor those who have died.  It was a very good event.  Later in the week, I saw my counselor one-on-one and that was a very good session. 

My sister, Sister Maureen CSJ, has a problem with her legs right now and the treatment means she is residing in the convent nursing facility for a while.  Well, my brother Dan and I decided she needed some entertainment so we bought her a new iPad for Christmas--Chrismas of 2010, 2011, 2012 and maybe 2013!!!  My cousin Dr. Mary Jo arranged with her son who works for ATT to acquire the iPad and deliver it to Sister Maureen on Thursday this week.  I heard the screams of joy from St. Paul without a telephone call!  

Time to take Shawna to the vet for her xrays. 

Ciao

Saturday is Laundry Day...

...especially for the single person.

I sorted laundry into my three baskets this morning. I then took my shower because I wanted to add my towel to the day's work. As I came out of the shower, I found that Shawna had created a new dog bed.

Why she picked that particular basket is beyond my understanding, but clearly she is very comfortable.

I totally forgot to post this

I was looking for my post on the Alaska cruise I took with Ingrid and MaryR in August and discovered I never did an entry on this blog.  I think what happened is that I fell and broke a rib and that set me sideways and I never got back to the cruise.  My bad.

The short story is that I took MaryR and Ingrid on a Holland America cruise from Anchorage to Vancouver in August.  We had a blast and truly enjoyed the cruise, the scenery and our friendship.  We also did, as my sister called it, "Performance Art" making sure the other guests were aware of our threesome.  I think the dinner conversation with Fey and Anita from New York summarizes the fun we had.

After our self-introduction of the eight people at the table (Ingrid of Mountain View CA, Pat of Los Gatos CA, Mary of Los Gatos CA, etc.), Anita says , "So Pat and Mary, may I assume because you are both from Los Gatos that you are a couple?"

Our response, "No. We are not a couple."
Anita, "Oh, so Pat and Ingrid are a couple?"
Again, "Nope."
Anita, "Ah, so Mary and Ingrid, you are a couple?"
"Um, nope."
Of course, we manipulated poor Anita into this position with our "Performance Art" consisting of a certain amount of visible intimacy--holding hands, kisses on the cheek, lots of "Darling this and darling that" and that sort of thing as we were seated. We had even established a code to break into our act when we sensed it was time for some laughs.
Anita's traveling buddy, Fey, cut her off as she started to dig deeper into our relationships. It was rather fun to observe.  However, Anita was not done!  Some time later during the meal, Anita blurts out, "So what are the sleeping arrangements on the ship for you three?"
I was flabbergasted and speechless, so too was Ingrid as well as the other people seated at the table!  Mary, however, was much quicker, calmer and she deftly responded while picking up her glass in a toasting fashion towards Anita, "We're from California, why?"
End of discussion!

Taking Ingrid and MaryR on the cruise was a "thank you" for all they had done for Mary during her year of cancer.  I am glad they could take the time to join me and I am very thankful that we had such a great time during the cruise.  We did all sorts of excursions ranging from whale watching, nature tours, glacier visits, sled dog training and MaryR even did a zip line experience.  And, of course, we did the formal nights and even wore red in honor of Mary for the first formal evening.

Clicking on any picture will take you to the album to view full size pictures. For iPad users, click here.


The cruise was a watershed for me!   Taking a week and simply enjoying friendship, a great ship and a wonderful itinerary took  a tremendous burden off my shoulders.  Comparing my overall feeling, attitude and spirits pre- and post- cruise showed a huge improvement in my outlook on life.  I don't know what the mechanism is but investing time in me and taking care of my spirits was extremely beneficial.  I went from being always down in the dumps to being more like the enthusiastic, gregarious, happy person I have always been.  I have my moments and (once in a while) days but they do not dominate my day to day existence as they did before the cruise.  As I wrote recently, most days now it is a momentary sharp jab and it disappears for hours, often until the next day.  Then there are days like the 8th of October and Monday of this week where grief just swamps me.

Consistent with that joyous experience, I am taking Reenie and her husband, Tom, to Hawaii soon.  We'll be on Maui in Wailea, staying in a beach-side condominium.  Again, this is a less than adequate "Thank You" for the weeks--no make that months--that Reenie spent helping me with her sister during the year of cancer.  Reenie and I were together with Mary when she took her last breath.

We are planning a day trip to Pearl Harbor and Honolulu, then horseback riding, Haleakela crater hiking, sunset cruise and lots of "surf, sand and mixed drinks" as Mary would say about our island vacations.

Take care,

p

A Quick Note

Although I am doing well overall, some days are downers. This last weekend was fine but the Monday I hit a downer. I just sort of stayed home and let some (perhaps more than some) of my feelings about Mary's death wash over me. It had the feeling of depression, loneliness, and some degree of despair. I was surprised by these feelings for I did not expect them at all. In the group session on Tuesday night, one of the counselors suggested that I might have needed that time for I have been so busy, I may have been blocking the grieving process.

Just like the 6 month anniversary on the 8th, I was pretty much past those feelings in less than a day. Such is grief.

My bike is in the shop waiting for parts and I am feeling the need to get back to exercise. My kids and I have set holiday plans and I am feeling very, very good about those plans. I got a nice gift from the IRS because I had overwithheld substantially last year--the byproduct of my income being down a huge amount due to the severity of the recession in electronics last year. This year should be more normal. Yes I filed under an extension. I was a bit out of sorts last April.

I hosted a dinner party last Sunday for my friends from Germany. The prior weekend I attended s charity dinner for the San Jose Museum. Of course, I sat in one of United's metal tubes for a total of 22 hours between Tuesday and Saturday to attend an event in China.

I've done The Onion and Farmers Market the last two weekends meeting MaryR and/or Ingrid depending on our personal schedules.

And, I am doing my two weekly grief sessions: on individual and one group session. I find them both to be extremely beneficial.

Ciao

P

Greetings!

Normally I only report on travel after I get home. I am at the airport and will be boarding momentarily and home in a few hours.

I have not posted because I was in China  proper (not Hong Kong) and the government run Internet blocks access to Google's blog pages. And a lot more--like Facebook.  It is really strange to find yourself unable to read or write because of government policies. Internet neutrality forever!

My last posting was pretty much a downer. However, my spirits improved dramatically after that terrible early morning of the 8th so much so that by Friday night I was feeling pretty much ok. Because of preparation for the trip, I simply did not have time to post. And, once at my destination, I could not post due to censorship.

Anyway, time to head to the gate.

Half a year...

Or six months, or 26 weeks, or 182 days.

There has not been a day that my heart has not felt the pain of her absence. Some of those days, the pain was totally unbearable and I didn't know how I could ever function again. Others, the pain was fleeting, a quick stab that came and went in a few labored breaths and not to return until the next day.


Mary with her two Patrick's: Father Patrick McDarby of St John's Abbey and husband, Patrick, 2007.

Half a year and I still don't know what normal will be for my life. Sometimes I feel as though I am adrift seeking some unnamed, unseen and unknown reality. Other times I am totally accepting of my situation and fully acknowledge the here and now IS the here and now.

Much of her surrounds me. The closets still have many of her clothes. What will I ever do with that absolutely gorgeous, size 4P, white St John's knit dress she wore for our wedding?


Son Tim, Mary, son Daniel and Daughter Lara, 1996 Monterey California at our wedding.

Her jewelry stays in the safety deposit box. A few very precious items, family heirlooms mostly, are willed to her family. Most of the rest are gifts i gave her, or items we picked out together to commemorate something special, or simply acquired as a testament to our love. What will I do with her diamond studded wedding band?

The kitchen she designed to fit her 4 ft 11 inch frame and then spent a decade equipping with small appliances and all manner of odds and ends from Williams Sonoma or Sur La Table is a daily reminder of her absence. I have no idea how to cook with most of what she collected. What will I do with it?

The house is Mary. The colors, the fabrics, the furniture are all here because of her taste and style. Heck, even the floor plan reflects her intention and direction. We live on a small unnamed creek in a very natural setting. When we did the major remodel in 2000, I thought Mary would want the kitchen positioned to the back of the house facing the beautiful and natural creek. I was wrong. Very wrong.  She wanted to face the street and watch simple daily living parade by her window every day.


Mary welcoming you to her Christmas hearth, 2006. 

Half a year is less than 1% of my 63 years. How can 1% loom so large? At times it seems as though these six months have taken years to complete. I wish I could say they went by quickly. They did not.

The most pain comes when I want to tell her or show her or ask her something. I want to hear her laugh about something funny. Or have her explain to me something I've read about food, or World War II, or the law which she could do even though she had not seen the same article.


Having a pigeon sit on your head in St. Marks' square, Venice Italy is definite laughter country! 

We'd TiVo Jay Leno at 11:35 pm each night and then watch his monologue the next night at an earlier time as part of our bedtime routine. I miss the sound of Mary's laugh each night as much as I miss her warmth and touch and caress.

For my readers who haven't seen me lately, I am moving forward in my life. I am not frozen trying to bring Mary back or live my life as if she is still here. She is dead (her vocabulary, remember). Yet there is no question that her memory lives on in my heart and soul.

182 days, or 26 weeks, or 6 months or half a year.

Scapin is a riot

ACT's version of Scapin is a riot. It is a mix of the Moliere original and updated with multiple references to modern days--including citing the score of the San Francisco Giants baseball game running concurrently with the play.  Local newspaper reviews are really positive about the performance. 

As I wrote earlier, lunch was provided in the 5th floor gallery and was keynoted by the assistant director discussing the play and answering questions of the staff. We sat at tables for 10 people and I met several of them. Most are donors or board members or trustees. A rather elite group...so why am I there?  Oh, I fit in the donor category. 

After the performance, we met in one of the two lounges and had a chance to met and greet the actors. That was a lot of fun.  The key to Scapin is Bill Irwin who is a physical comic (officially a member of the Clown Hall of Fame) and also he is the author who updated Moliere with modern content. It was a lot of fun. 

After the performance, the lunch bunch headed for one of the lounges and the cast arrived shortly there after to meet and greet us.  It was a kick.  

This whole sequence is very similar to June, but in June lunch was with one of the development staff who took me to lunch in a local restaurant.  Being in a group and chatting with people was very nice.   

All in all, a very good event.  In June, I was really feeling the absence of Mary with strong feelings about how "She should be here" and it made me very sad and maudlin.  Today, I definitely missed her and I also realize that this is one of the things that I will continue without her physical presence but her spirit will definitely be with me.  And that is perfectly fine. 

Home from Japan

As I wrote earlier, I do not post about my travels until I am home. This week was Japan and it turned out to be a great business trip.

Today I head for ACT to attend Scapin.  This is the second time I have returned to the theater without Mary.  I have picked the series where they bring a group of us in, serve lunch in the guest facility on the top floor, we attend the play and then return after the play for a dessert or afternoon aperitif.  I am hoping this added social activity allows me to get through this successfully. We shall see.  Besides, Scapin is a Moliere comedy. 

A few months ago, I wrote that while we were dating in college, Mary introduced me to live theater.  In St Paul-Minneapolis in those days we had the brand new Tyrone Guthrie theater, the prototype for all the repertory theaters across the USA now. The Twin Cities also had a large number of theaters and Mary and I attended shows at many of them, the "Showboat" being the most fun. It was an old Mississippi river boat permanently docked near the University of Minnesota and they put on fun plays (melodrama and comedy) consistent with their riverboat heritage.

 The rest of this weekend is busy with friends and errands. Life goes on and I think I am doing fine.  I got through the anniversary week without too much trauma and avoided the depressing state I hit at the 4th of July.  That, I think, is a good sign.

My original posting about the theater from June of this year:

San Francisco's American Conservatory Theater (ACT) invited me to lunch and to catch the last production of the season on Saturday (the last performance is in a week or two).  I haven't seen a play since Mary presented her symptoms in March of 2009.  In fact, we didn't buy season tickets for 09-10 and I zeroed out ALL of our charitable donations until we understood the cash flow issues with costs of all of Mary's treatments. The ACT staff was most gracious and the play/musical was great. I ended up as the play ended sitting and crying while everyone else, it seemed, was leaving the theater.  Perhaps my emotions are a bit raw (he said perhaps?) but the story line of a couple who did not reconnect and did not have the love and joy and happiness that Mary and I had our 2nd time around really made me sad.  The play is called the Tosca Project and it was written about the history of the past 80 years in San Francisco and placed in a local bar. I found it absolutely enjoyable and emotionally stimulating.  

After the performance, I was invited to a post-performance reception where I met all the actors and chatted with several of them. It was a grand time.  And, in the back of my head was the recurring thought that Mary should be here with me.  She needed to experience this closeness to the theater. 

When we were in college, Mary introduced me to live theater.  We were fortunate to have the Tyrone Guthrie Theater in Minneapolis and they offered a student rush just before performances.  Mary and I saw many plays that way.  The old theater had a projected stage and the student rush tickets tended to be behind the actors but hey, the price was right.  More importantly, Mary introduced me to the theater. From that introduction, I have consistently attended theater for the past 45 plus years. Thank you, Mary!