When Mary was feeling pretty good in the fall of 2009, Habitat for Humanity held the dedication of the last homes for which Mary was the Chair of the Family Selection Committee. Mary attended the event and was interviewed by this local news program. Her interview appears about 16:45 into the video.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
A "First" Day--Wedding Anniversary
In grief counseling, they talk about the year of "Firsts". First birthday, first thanksgiving, first whatever.
In July, I wrote about how the 4th of July struck me so hard. It was the "First" 4th without Mary. And, I was not prepared for the emotional impact of her absence. It put me in a tailspin that lasted for weeks. Labor day was not as difficult, partly because the experience of the 4th had warned me about my possible reaction, partly because I didn't set up the weekend in the same way that would leave my emotions bare, raw and exposed.
What are the "Firsts?" Well, for me and Mary it is Mother's Day in May, the three summer holidays although I did not acknowledge Memorial day because I was traveling in Asia. Then its our reconnect day (June 23 when we reconnected in 1990 after 22 years apart), wedding anniversary (Sept 21--yesterday), Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day (the day I proposed in 1996), her birthday (March 7) and my birthday on April 8 which is also the day she died. I also have to admit the birthdays for the kids and grandkids, both hers and mine, are among those emotional days of "firsts" as well--April, June (3 birthdays), July (2), September, November, January and March.
Yesterday was our wedding anniversary.
Pat and Mary, Wedding Day, September 21, 1996, Monterey California
Not only was it an absolutely wonderful event on the deck overlooking Monterey Bay, it was the beginning of a marriage that was incomparable. The joy and happiness we shared for what turned out to be a short 13.5 years was beyond belief. I am so glad we had the time we did have, and so glad we were able to share those years together.
Yesterday could have been very rough but it wasn't too bad. I had my regular 1:1 grief session in the afternoon and then I attended a group grief session for the first time with a new group in the evening. This group is sponsored by the same organization (http://www.pathwayshealth.org/) as my 1:1 counselor. The group consists of nine of us who have all lost spouses or significant others since December of 2009. We are three men and six women with ages in the early 40s to 70s. All but one of the spouses died of cancer.
This group is scheduled to meet for six weeks, then take a two week break and start another six weeks. This continues for a year. I think it might be very helpful, we shall see.
Mary in the lagoon of Bora Bora on our honeymoon in 1996.
Mary is dead, I absolutely know that. But she is still very present in my heart and my mind. And, every day of "Firsts" represent opportunities for emotional distress. Some "Firsts" will be very, very bad and others will not. Listening and learning from those who offer their expertise and support has been exceptional for their answers relieve me of my self doubts and allow me to concentrate on the essence of my grief.
Ciao,
p
In July, I wrote about how the 4th of July struck me so hard. It was the "First" 4th without Mary. And, I was not prepared for the emotional impact of her absence. It put me in a tailspin that lasted for weeks. Labor day was not as difficult, partly because the experience of the 4th had warned me about my possible reaction, partly because I didn't set up the weekend in the same way that would leave my emotions bare, raw and exposed.
What are the "Firsts?" Well, for me and Mary it is Mother's Day in May, the three summer holidays although I did not acknowledge Memorial day because I was traveling in Asia. Then its our reconnect day (June 23 when we reconnected in 1990 after 22 years apart), wedding anniversary (Sept 21--yesterday), Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day (the day I proposed in 1996), her birthday (March 7) and my birthday on April 8 which is also the day she died. I also have to admit the birthdays for the kids and grandkids, both hers and mine, are among those emotional days of "firsts" as well--April, June (3 birthdays), July (2), September, November, January and March.
Yesterday was our wedding anniversary.
 |
| From Mary E Quirk Hughes Lamey--Later Years |
Not only was it an absolutely wonderful event on the deck overlooking Monterey Bay, it was the beginning of a marriage that was incomparable. The joy and happiness we shared for what turned out to be a short 13.5 years was beyond belief. I am so glad we had the time we did have, and so glad we were able to share those years together.
Yesterday could have been very rough but it wasn't too bad. I had my regular 1:1 grief session in the afternoon and then I attended a group grief session for the first time with a new group in the evening. This group is sponsored by the same organization (http://www.pathwayshealth.org/) as my 1:1 counselor. The group consists of nine of us who have all lost spouses or significant others since December of 2009. We are three men and six women with ages in the early 40s to 70s. All but one of the spouses died of cancer.
This group is scheduled to meet for six weeks, then take a two week break and start another six weeks. This continues for a year. I think it might be very helpful, we shall see.
 |
| From Mary E Quirk Hughes Lamey--Later Years |
Mary is dead, I absolutely know that. But she is still very present in my heart and my mind. And, every day of "Firsts" represent opportunities for emotional distress. Some "Firsts" will be very, very bad and others will not. Listening and learning from those who offer their expertise and support has been exceptional for their answers relieve me of my self doubts and allow me to concentrate on the essence of my grief.
Ciao,
p
Monday, September 20, 2010
Good Progress
MaryR is doing just fine. They have her on a pneumonia regimen consisting of antibiotics via IV and breathing in some stuff to the lungs every 6 hours.
She is feeling very good but weak. Food is staying with her and she is on an "almost regular" food diet. Think soups, casseroles, etc., things that are well cooked and therefore easier to chew and swallow.
Yesterday, the Doctor said she wanted her to stay one more day. Last night, Mary said she didn't really want to be there but the medication routine coupled with her sense of being weak led her to say she should stay a bit more. Whether that is today or Tuesday is up to the doctor.
Emilie is back from her seminar weekend and will take on more duties for our sick girl. I think things should progress nicely now.
p
She is feeling very good but weak. Food is staying with her and she is on an "almost regular" food diet. Think soups, casseroles, etc., things that are well cooked and therefore easier to chew and swallow.
Yesterday, the Doctor said she wanted her to stay one more day. Last night, Mary said she didn't really want to be there but the medication routine coupled with her sense of being weak led her to say she should stay a bit more. Whether that is today or Tuesday is up to the doctor.
Emilie is back from her seminar weekend and will take on more duties for our sick girl. I think things should progress nicely now.
p
Why do I write this blog?
As I have noted before, I get 'daily affirmations' from a service sponsored by the funeral home here in Los Gatos. Today's affirmation puts words to the reason I write.
The Affirmation:
What power words have; power to comfort, power to inflame, power to shape the love we have for another. What words would you use to express your feelings right now?
Many times, I hear people who are grieving speak of weariness, as if the burden they carry is heavy beyond measure. Others find the experience of grieving to be a deep loneliness.
Still others see overwhelming beauty in the life around them, and feel sadness that their loved one is no longer able to see and experience the richness of life.
Take a few minutes today to give your sorrow words. The act of writing them moves them outside of you, and can bring great peace.
Quotation for the Day
Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break. ~William Shakespeare
Sunday, September 19, 2010
A diagnosis and good news
MaryR talked to the doctor this morning and they are going to keep her through Monday at least. The CT scan was negative for blockages--big relief. However, it appears she has pneumonia in her lower right lung. The cause isn't really known but the theory is that she did have a flu bug--hence the inability to keep food down--and the "wrong pipe" problem led to some food matter getting into the lung and causing the pneumonia. The respiratory doc said on Friday night if food did go into the lung, it will cause pneumonia and it will take a day or two to show up on an xray. Apparently, it showed up on Saturday's xray although it did not appear on Friday's.
 |
From 2010 Alaska Mary on the Alaska trip with a new friend! Mary is feeling feisty so I know she is definitely on the mend. She had a breakfast planned for this morning and the friends are going to have it with her at the hospital. The doc wants her on solid foods to make sure the stomach is working but she hasn't had any problems since noon yesterday. The doc said that because of her history they are being cautious. The reason for staying is to continue the pneumonia medications via IV plus they have her inhaling some stuff into her lungs to attack the pneumonia. I'm off doing Farmers Market and delivering her toothbrush and charger for her cell phone in an hour or so. I don't want to crash her breakfast party! |
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Priorities, priorities...
I'll post later about my week. For right now the concern in MaryR. She sent me a text last night asking if I could take her "to the ER, no rush." OK, I know Irish American gals pretty well. Those words mean "Right now!"
When I arrived ten minutes later, Mary croaked out that she could not breath, that something had apparently gone down into her lungs and she was having great difficulty. Took her to the closest hospital, El Camino-Los Gatos. For those of you who recall, Mary had her vegas nerve removed in 2008 (click here for that blog). The vegas nerve controls the muscles in the throat which means Mary had to learn how to talk, swallow and do other normal things all over again as half of her throat has lost its nerve control system. Well, it is no surprise that she had difficulty if food went "down the wrong pipe."
Once there, the triage nurse put the oxygen monitor on first and was digging around for the blood pressure cuff. Before she could get the cuff on her, the oxygen monitor was providing a value--much too low. The ER nurse then said, "Let's put you in a bed and finish this in there." The put her into a bed, whipped an oxygen supply on her and were watching carefully to see if she reacted. She did, the reading climbed to 99-100 fairly quickly. As the value climbed, Mary said she was feeling much, much better but not nearly 100 percent.
There are two likely scenarios. One, she may be suffering from either pneumonia because of the food entering her lungs and that's what food does--cause pneumonia. The other likely problem is that she caught a flu bug and that is making her regurgitate and in the regurgitation, it went into her lungs.
They had her stay last night and given her history and that she still cannot hold food, the are keeping her another day. Right now, I am out and about running errands while Mary is having a CT scan performed. Hopefully, the CT scan will simply rule out any physical blockage and that will leave us with a flu bug that prompted all of this activity.
Anyway, more later!
Pat
When I arrived ten minutes later, Mary croaked out that she could not breath, that something had apparently gone down into her lungs and she was having great difficulty. Took her to the closest hospital, El Camino-Los Gatos. For those of you who recall, Mary had her vegas nerve removed in 2008 (click here for that blog). The vegas nerve controls the muscles in the throat which means Mary had to learn how to talk, swallow and do other normal things all over again as half of her throat has lost its nerve control system. Well, it is no surprise that she had difficulty if food went "down the wrong pipe."
Once there, the triage nurse put the oxygen monitor on first and was digging around for the blood pressure cuff. Before she could get the cuff on her, the oxygen monitor was providing a value--much too low. The ER nurse then said, "Let's put you in a bed and finish this in there." The put her into a bed, whipped an oxygen supply on her and were watching carefully to see if she reacted. She did, the reading climbed to 99-100 fairly quickly. As the value climbed, Mary said she was feeling much, much better but not nearly 100 percent.
There are two likely scenarios. One, she may be suffering from either pneumonia because of the food entering her lungs and that's what food does--cause pneumonia. The other likely problem is that she caught a flu bug and that is making her regurgitate and in the regurgitation, it went into her lungs.
They had her stay last night and given her history and that she still cannot hold food, the are keeping her another day. Right now, I am out and about running errands while Mary is having a CT scan performed. Hopefully, the CT scan will simply rule out any physical blockage and that will leave us with a flu bug that prompted all of this activity.
Anyway, more later!
Pat
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Erin has her blog together
And this is her tribute to my skills in getting her blog up and running.
To see Erin's pictures, click here.
To see Erin's pictures, click here.
To see and read her blog, click here (http://www.erinbyer.com)
Erin leaves tomorrow for Spain and a wonderful 13 month adventure getting her MBA.
Enjoy!
p
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