The weather has changed, we've lost our wonderful "summer in winter" and are now suffering a true California winter. daytime temperatures in the 50s and rain. Oh well...it is February.
I am still waiting for the rock to roll over me. It hasn't been felt for a few days but I am pretty sure it is lingering back there somewhere. During my massage last night, Ingrid used a technique involving hots stones and hot towels on my torso and back. She said it may provide the comfort to release some of the feelings. If the analogy is correct, releasing a little by little may prevent a massive downer.
Right now I am playing the music I selected for Mary's Celebration at the house on May 8. Each of those songs has a special meaning for us, and some just trigger tears.
"From the dark and lonely street, to the bright side of the road, we'll be lovers once again on the bright side of the road...
Into this life we are born, baby sometimes I don't know why, at times seems to go by so fast, in the twinkling of an eye...
Let's enjoy it while we can, help me sing my song, little darling from the bright side of the road..." From Van Morrison's Bright Side of the Road played as our wedding march in 1996.
I loved the call for "Little Darling", Mary was certainly that for me. And "share my load", she did that for me and I believe I did that for her too. We both came out of relationships that were less than bright for each of us to be lovers once again and to form our wonderful love for each other and a marriage that was beyond belief in happiness and joy.
How could we know that "Into this life we are born...at times seems to go by so fast, in the twinkling of an eye." Mary's dad, Grampa Jack, lived to his late 80's and her mom, Alberta, lived to her late 90s. Our plan was for Mary to follow them and probably break 100 pretty easily, given her genetic gift. Instead, she just turned 63 when cholangiocarcinoma took her...decades too soon.
Truly, our time together was just "a twinkling of an eye".
I took Mary's car into the dealer this week. Its on board computer was berating me for being 20 days past required maintenance. This car does not go in on a time based schedule. Instead, the dashboard lights up like a spot light on a cop car to tell you to take it in for service.
Turns out the last time the car declared it needed service was two years ago, just before Mary's symptoms presented in late March of 2009. Our service writer, Paul, is a true gentleman. As he approached the car, he was looking around as if someone was missing. Rather than let things get to far down the wrong path, I informed him right away of Mary's death. He was visibly shaken and overwhelmingly polite.
Later in that conversation, he said a wonderful thing that simply caused me to tear up.
"It was so cute that you and Mary always came in together when this car needed service. I could easily see that you clearly had a wonderful loving relationship that was very special."
We parted on his words, "If you agree, I belong to a prayer group, may we pray for you and Mary?"
I choked out a "Yes, certainly" as the tears came and I turned away.
p
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Indiana Jones had it easy
He could see the damned big rock rolling in his direction. I can feel a rock rolling towards me as I continue through the grief gauntlet, but I cannot see it. At times I can feel it, like this morning as I got ready for work. I just knew there was a massive emotional downer just waiting for me to acknowledge it. And, as soon as I did, it would take over and put me into a tailspin.
During the past four days I stayed so busy, it made sure the feelings didn't have time to either run over me (the rock) or linger long enough at any one time to trip the landmine. This morning, as I dressed for work, I could really feel the rock and I started to react to it. But, I had an early morning meeting at work and I pushed it away in order to do my day job.
This afternoon, I met with my grief counselor and we talked about the rock, landmines and the gauntlet. All are reasonable analogies for the emotions I am dealing with. She also suggested I make time in my calendar to let some of this emerge so I could deal with it little by little. I hope I can do that in the next few days.
Dinner on Valentines evening was with MaryR and me at Ingrid's place and Maurice was the cook. An excellent meal was prepared and it was delicious, thank you, Maurice.
I remembered a bit more about Valentine's Day of 1996. In 1995, Mary had just moved here from Scottsdale and for Valentines Day of 1995 I asked her that we not discuss or spend time on "what's next" in our relationship for a year. Rather, let's spend time on us and seeing if this is a relationship that truly works. For Valentine's dinner of 1996, we picked Pedro's Cantina in Los Gatos. During the meal, Mary very gently led me to the issue that was on her mind but not so aggressively that I'd bolt and run (hey, I did that in 1968!)
As I recall, her words were along the line of "It was a year ago we had Valentine's Dinner shortly after I moved here from Scottsdale." Frankly, those words had no impact when she first said them but then as the discussion continued about this and that while the meal continued, it dawned on me that this was the one year mark! How I could have forgotten? And not prepared a special Valentines Card is one of the great mysteries of the male mind. Her gentle statement did help me remember. I did panic about almost forgetting. I did NOT panic about what to say. Somewhere during that year it was clearly plain to me I was going to marry this woman if she'd have me, so I blurted out "Mary, I want to marry you if you will agree." And, obviously, she said yes.
The next step, of course, is the ring. We started shopping in Los Gatos and the first shop we hit was Gehrkens (http://www.gehrkens.com) and he had a beautiful ring in the window. Amazingly enough, it was Mary's size. We thanked Ken for his time and told him this was our first stop and we really wanted to do more shopping before making a selection. We looked over the next several weeks and then we decided to go back to Gehrkens.
As I walked in, I said to Ken "Looks like you sold that ring, oh well."
He responded, "Oh no, I set it aside, I knew you'd be back." At that point he opened the safe, pulled out an envelope marked "Mary and Pat" with no last names, no phone numbers nor other identifying items and out spilled the ring. It still fit Mary beautifully. He was right, we were back! As we visited other shops, we had found ourselves comparing this ring to all the others we found and concluded it was the ring she wanted. As an aside, Mary did not want a set, she wanted a single ring for engagement and marriage. (If the picture does not appear below, click here.)
This picture was taken at the Los Altos Hills Country Club during an Easter Brunch with Dean and Cheryl. The look on Mary's face is priceless! Sort of a "I finally landed that fish!"
And this fish was happily caught! And in love.
Ciao
During the past four days I stayed so busy, it made sure the feelings didn't have time to either run over me (the rock) or linger long enough at any one time to trip the landmine. This morning, as I dressed for work, I could really feel the rock and I started to react to it. But, I had an early morning meeting at work and I pushed it away in order to do my day job.
This afternoon, I met with my grief counselor and we talked about the rock, landmines and the gauntlet. All are reasonable analogies for the emotions I am dealing with. She also suggested I make time in my calendar to let some of this emerge so I could deal with it little by little. I hope I can do that in the next few days.
Dinner on Valentines evening was with MaryR and me at Ingrid's place and Maurice was the cook. An excellent meal was prepared and it was delicious, thank you, Maurice.
I remembered a bit more about Valentine's Day of 1996. In 1995, Mary had just moved here from Scottsdale and for Valentines Day of 1995 I asked her that we not discuss or spend time on "what's next" in our relationship for a year. Rather, let's spend time on us and seeing if this is a relationship that truly works. For Valentine's dinner of 1996, we picked Pedro's Cantina in Los Gatos. During the meal, Mary very gently led me to the issue that was on her mind but not so aggressively that I'd bolt and run (hey, I did that in 1968!)
As I recall, her words were along the line of "It was a year ago we had Valentine's Dinner shortly after I moved here from Scottsdale." Frankly, those words had no impact when she first said them but then as the discussion continued about this and that while the meal continued, it dawned on me that this was the one year mark! How I could have forgotten? And not prepared a special Valentines Card is one of the great mysteries of the male mind. Her gentle statement did help me remember. I did panic about almost forgetting. I did NOT panic about what to say. Somewhere during that year it was clearly plain to me I was going to marry this woman if she'd have me, so I blurted out "Mary, I want to marry you if you will agree." And, obviously, she said yes.
The next step, of course, is the ring. We started shopping in Los Gatos and the first shop we hit was Gehrkens (http://www.gehrkens.com) and he had a beautiful ring in the window. Amazingly enough, it was Mary's size. We thanked Ken for his time and told him this was our first stop and we really wanted to do more shopping before making a selection. We looked over the next several weeks and then we decided to go back to Gehrkens.
As I walked in, I said to Ken "Looks like you sold that ring, oh well."
He responded, "Oh no, I set it aside, I knew you'd be back." At that point he opened the safe, pulled out an envelope marked "Mary and Pat" with no last names, no phone numbers nor other identifying items and out spilled the ring. It still fit Mary beautifully. He was right, we were back! As we visited other shops, we had found ourselves comparing this ring to all the others we found and concluded it was the ring she wanted. As an aside, Mary did not want a set, she wanted a single ring for engagement and marriage. (If the picture does not appear below, click here.)
 |
| From Mary E Quirk Hughes Lamey--Later Years |
This picture was taken at the Los Altos Hills Country Club during an Easter Brunch with Dean and Cheryl. The look on Mary's face is priceless! Sort of a "I finally landed that fish!"
And this fish was happily caught! And in love.
Ciao
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Running the Gaunlet, #1
Tomorrow is Valentines' Day. As I wrote previously, that is the day I asked Mary to be my wife...and she said yes.
I have filled this weekend through tomorrow night with lots of activities. Friday night dinner with Ingrid and Maurice who arrived from Vienna on Tuesday night. Lots of chores on Saturday. Dinner party meeting virtually all new people on Saturday. Breakfast at the Onion with Ingrid, Maurice, MaryR and myself. Maurice then came to the house and we moved a big piece of furniture from the master bed room to the downstairs recreation room. That was a project!
Tonight I hosted a pot luck dinner with my grief companions from the group sessions I attend. It was a very nice event and I think everyone, including me, had a good time. Tomorrow is work and tomorrow night is a dinner party with Maurice, Ingrid, Mary and possibly Emilie for Valentines' Day.
In other words, I am not sitting and waiting for the grief landmines to hit me. But, in spite of these activities, the landmines are sometimes triggered and there is nothing to do but ride them out.
Ciao
Pat
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Just a Tuesday
Tuesday is my day to attend two counseling sessions. First, a session with an individual counselor followed by a 90 min break and then my group session. Twelve of us this time, seven women and five men. The group composition changes every 6 weeks and this is the first time we had more women. These weekly grief sessions are still very valuable to me. My emotions certainly come out in the weekly individual sessions and somehow I am able to keep most of my really strong reactions in check until I get to individual session each week.
Tuesday is an evening where I take the time to focus on me. The individual therapy allows me to push away all the distractions and really allow the emotions to be present. Sometimes that session is really tough, other times it is emotionally draining but not so terribly painful. And, as always, my counselor is really good at helping me identify those things that help me move forward.
The group session is good for we are suffering the same event (loss of a life partner) and we find support and empathy amongst our members. We each experience the pain in a different way, but there is no question the pain is there.
I am resetting my diet this week, getting off the bad stuff and on to the healthy foods. My plans include a reconfiguring of the house to encourage more time on the treadmill plus weekend time on my bicycle. That all stopped and fell away with the broken rib last August.
The gauntlet begins on Monday, Saint Valentine's day. In 1996 at Pedro's Cantina in Los Gatos, I asked Mary to be my wife. She said yes.
Mary moved here in January of 1995 upon my insistence. Just a few weeks later on Valentines Day in 1995, I asked her that we enjoy our relationship and not dwell, discuss or otherwise spend energy on what "might come next" for 12 months. Considering she had given up her seat on the bench as a judge, pulled up stakes from Scottsdale and only had an assurance from me that she'd have a place to stay, it was probably pretty ballsy of me. Oh well.
When it's right, it is right. And, believe me, it was right for Mary and me both.
Tuesday is an evening where I take the time to focus on me. The individual therapy allows me to push away all the distractions and really allow the emotions to be present. Sometimes that session is really tough, other times it is emotionally draining but not so terribly painful. And, as always, my counselor is really good at helping me identify those things that help me move forward.
The group session is good for we are suffering the same event (loss of a life partner) and we find support and empathy amongst our members. We each experience the pain in a different way, but there is no question the pain is there.
I am resetting my diet this week, getting off the bad stuff and on to the healthy foods. My plans include a reconfiguring of the house to encourage more time on the treadmill plus weekend time on my bicycle. That all stopped and fell away with the broken rib last August.
The gauntlet begins on Monday, Saint Valentine's day. In 1996 at Pedro's Cantina in Los Gatos, I asked Mary to be my wife. She said yes.
Mary moved here in January of 1995 upon my insistence. Just a few weeks later on Valentines Day in 1995, I asked her that we enjoy our relationship and not dwell, discuss or otherwise spend energy on what "might come next" for 12 months. Considering she had given up her seat on the bench as a judge, pulled up stakes from Scottsdale and only had an assurance from me that she'd have a place to stay, it was probably pretty ballsy of me. Oh well.
When it's right, it is right. And, believe me, it was right for Mary and me both.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I'm OK and getting ready for the gauntlet
It has been a couple of weeks since I have posted so you may be wondering if something is wrong. Nope, everything is fine. I am just buzzing around doing this and doing that and generally keeping myself distracted.
The emotional gauntlet is coming up for the next 12 weeks, or at least I am calling it the gauntlet. It goes like this:
As for Aunt Claire, Mary and I attended a visitation and funeral in St. Paul, probably my Dad's but I really don't remember other than it was at O'Halloran and Murphy (of course) and it was the first funeral Mary attended of one of my family members in the 1990's. What I do remember is Mary and Aunt Claire sitting together for the longest time talking, laughing and telling stories. Aunt Claire and Uncle John were very much part of my life as I grew up and I was mildly shocked this weekend when Maureen told me Aunt Claire also died on my birthday. I have since confirmed it via the archived obituaries of the St. Paul papers.
That is all for now. I hope to write this weekend of my recent activities.
Ciao
The emotional gauntlet is coming up for the next 12 weeks, or at least I am calling it the gauntlet. It goes like this:
- Feb 14: On this day I proposed and Mary accepted (1996)
- Feb 22: The Oncologist pronounced "Go live your life, you are cancer free" (2010)
- Mar 7: Mary's Birthday
- Mar 22: Mary's symptoms of Cholangiocarcinoma presented while we were in Denver (2009)
- Mar 26: Mary was admitted to Stanford for the last time (2010)
- Mar 28: Mary was admitted to Good Samaritan Hospital (2009)
- Mar 31: We first heard the word "Cholangiocarcinoma" from the Doctor at Good Sam (2009), The Stanford Doctor told me I should "assemble the family" (2010)
- April 4: Easter Sunday and the last day Mary was conscious
- April 8: My birthday, our first date (2nd time around), my Mom died, Mary died--And my sister informed me this weekend my Aunt Claire Lamey also died on this day. I just became aware (again) that Daniel, Mary's son, is engaged to Kamie who has her birthday on April 8.
- April 17: Los Gatos remembrance
- April 24: St Paul remembrance and burial
- May 8: Celebration of Mary's life at our home
As for Aunt Claire, Mary and I attended a visitation and funeral in St. Paul, probably my Dad's but I really don't remember other than it was at O'Halloran and Murphy (of course) and it was the first funeral Mary attended of one of my family members in the 1990's. What I do remember is Mary and Aunt Claire sitting together for the longest time talking, laughing and telling stories. Aunt Claire and Uncle John were very much part of my life as I grew up and I was mildly shocked this weekend when Maureen told me Aunt Claire also died on my birthday. I have since confirmed it via the archived obituaries of the St. Paul papers.
That is all for now. I hope to write this weekend of my recent activities.
Ciao
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Still Good-Bying
A short time ago, I wrote about the night in December with the soft snow outside and Mary and I were inside in front of the fire in my parents' house (Click here). And, I said I thought I had a picture I took that night. This black and white is the picture with the snow covering my car and the neighborhood lights on to celebrate the Christmas season. Not as elaborate as today, but perhaps more meaningful. (Click on the picture to enlarge.)
My Dad did something radical that year, he purchased a long-needled flocked tree and put a limited number of glass balls on it and illuminated it with flood lights. No tinsel, no kids school projects, none of the family's Christmas stuff. I was too old to say I was heart broken that Rudolf didn't get put on the tree but I did complain that the plastic angels were not allowed. This is a picture of my parents (yes, Mary and Pat) dressed for some holiday event in front of that tree. Today, in a more enlightened world, the color scheme makes one think it might be a Hannukka tree! (Click on the picture to enlarge.)
My Dad did something radical that year, he purchased a long-needled flocked tree and put a limited number of glass balls on it and illuminated it with flood lights. No tinsel, no kids school projects, none of the family's Christmas stuff. I was too old to say I was heart broken that Rudolf didn't get put on the tree but I did complain that the plastic angels were not allowed. This is a picture of my parents (yes, Mary and Pat) dressed for some holiday event in front of that tree. Today, in a more enlightened world, the color scheme makes one think it might be a Hannukka tree! (Click on the picture to enlarge.)
Monday, January 3, 2011
Happy New Year
The Holidays turned out to be far better than I was expecting. The visit by my son, daughter-in-law and two beautiful grandkids was beyond great. They were here 18th to 27th so we had lots of time together plus Christmas Eve at Casey's Mom's, Christmas day at my place and the 26th at Casey's brother's place. All in all a great Christmas weekend.
New Years was with friends including catching "The Black Swan" on New Year's Eve. That is my first in-the-theater movie in roughly two years--before Mary presented her cancer symptoms. Oh, it was a good movie as well.
On New Year's Day, the three amigo's from our Alaska cruise got together to build a photo-book of our trip. I set up my big iMac (24" screen) on the dining room table so Ingrid and Mary could fully interact with the pictures and editing on the screen. Amazingly, Kodak sent a 25% discount notice if it gets done by Tuesday. Nice, very nice. We also prepared a nice dinner as part of our photo work--salmon, potatoes, gingered carrots and a salad.
Monday is back to work! These past ten days have been so very nice.
Happy New Year!
New Years was with friends including catching "The Black Swan" on New Year's Eve. That is my first in-the-theater movie in roughly two years--before Mary presented her cancer symptoms. Oh, it was a good movie as well.
On New Year's Day, the three amigo's from our Alaska cruise got together to build a photo-book of our trip. I set up my big iMac (24" screen) on the dining room table so Ingrid and Mary could fully interact with the pictures and editing on the screen. Amazingly, Kodak sent a 25% discount notice if it gets done by Tuesday. Nice, very nice. We also prepared a nice dinner as part of our photo work--salmon, potatoes, gingered carrots and a salad.
Monday is back to work! These past ten days have been so very nice.
Happy New Year!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)