Just a Tuesday

Tuesday is my day to attend two counseling sessions. First, a session with an individual counselor followed by a 90 min break and then my group session. Twelve of us this time, seven women and five men. The group composition changes every 6 weeks and this is the first time we had more women. These weekly grief sessions are still very valuable to me. My emotions certainly come out in the weekly individual sessions and somehow I am able to keep most of my really strong reactions in check until I get to individual session each week. 


Tuesday is an evening where I take the time to focus on me. The individual therapy allows me to push away all the distractions and really allow the emotions to be present. Sometimes that session is really tough, other times it is emotionally draining but not so terribly painful. And, as always, my counselor is really good at helping me identify those things that help me move forward.


The group session is good for we are suffering the same event (loss of a life partner) and we find support and empathy amongst our members. We each experience the pain in a different way, but there is no question the pain is there.


I am resetting my diet this week, getting off the bad stuff and on to the healthy foods. My plans include a reconfiguring of the house to encourage more time on the treadmill plus weekend time on my bicycle. That all stopped and fell away with the broken rib last August.


The gauntlet begins on Monday, Saint Valentine's day. In 1996 at Pedro's Cantina in Los Gatos, I asked Mary to be my wife. She said yes.


Mary moved here in January of 1995 upon my insistence. Just a few weeks later on Valentines Day in 1995, I asked her that we enjoy our relationship and not dwell, discuss or otherwise spend energy on what "might come next" for 12 months. Considering she had given up her seat on the bench as a judge, pulled up stakes from Scottsdale and only had an assurance from me that she'd have a place to stay, it was probably pretty ballsy of me. Oh well.


When it's right, it is right. And, believe me, it was right for Mary and me both.

I'm OK and getting ready for the gauntlet

It has been a couple of weeks since I have posted so you may be wondering if something is wrong. Nope, everything is fine. I am just buzzing around doing this and doing that and generally keeping myself distracted.

The emotional gauntlet is coming up for the next 12 weeks, or at least I am calling it the gauntlet. It goes like this:

• Feb 14:  On this day I proposed and Mary accepted (1996)
• Feb 22:  The Oncologist pronounced "Go live your life, you are cancer free" (2010)
• Mar 7:   Mary's Birthday
• Mar 22:  Mary's symptoms of Cholangiocarcinoma presented while we were in Denver (2009)
• Mar 26:  Mary was admitted to Stanford for the last time (2010)
• Mar 28:  Mary was admitted to Good Samaritan Hospital (2009)
• Mar 31:  We first heard the word "Cholangiocarcinoma" from the Doctor at Good Sam (2009), The Stanford Doctor told me I should "assemble the family" (2010)
• April 4:  Easter Sunday and the last day Mary was conscious
• April 8:  My birthday, our first date (2nd time around), my Mom died, Mary died--And my sister informed me this weekend my Aunt Claire Lamey also died on this day. I just became aware (again) that Daniel, Mary's son, is engaged to Kamie who has her birthday on April 8.  
• April 17: Los Gatos remembrance
• April 24: St Paul remembrance and burial
• May 8:  Celebration of Mary's life at our home

Part of the therapy is to set plans to "get through" tough dates without going into a massive emotional downer.  I have just started working on those plans now. I don't know what they will be but don't be surprised if you find me someplace in the world doing something during the next three months. 

As for Aunt Claire, Mary and I attended a visitation and funeral in St. Paul, probably my Dad's but I really don't remember other than it was at O'Halloran and Murphy (of course) and it was the first funeral Mary attended of one of my family members in the 1990's. What I do remember is Mary and Aunt Claire sitting together for the longest time talking, laughing and telling stories.  Aunt Claire and Uncle John were very much part of my life as I grew up and I was mildly shocked this weekend when Maureen told me Aunt Claire also died on my birthday.  I have since confirmed it via the archived obituaries of the St. Paul papers. 

That is all for now.  I hope to write this weekend of my recent activities.
Ciao

Still Good-Bying

A short time ago, I wrote about the night in December with the soft snow outside and Mary and I were inside in front of the fire in my parents' house (Click here). And, I said I thought I had a picture I took that night. This black and white is the picture with the snow covering my car and the neighborhood lights on to celebrate the Christmas season. Not as elaborate as today, but perhaps more meaningful.  (Click on the picture to enlarge.)



My Dad did something radical that year, he purchased a long-needled flocked tree and put a limited number of glass balls on it and illuminated it with flood lights. No tinsel, no kids school projects, none of the family's Christmas stuff. I was too old to say I was heart broken that Rudolf didn't get put on the tree but I did complain that the plastic angels were not allowed. This is a picture of my parents (yes, Mary and Pat) dressed for some holiday event in front of that tree. Today, in a more enlightened world, the color scheme makes one think it might be a Hannukka tree!  (Click on the picture to enlarge.)

Happy New Year

The Holidays turned out to be far better than I was expecting. The visit by my son, daughter-in-law and two beautiful grandkids was beyond great. They were here 18th to 27th so we had lots of time together plus Christmas Eve at Casey's Mom's, Christmas day at my place and the 26th at Casey's brother's place. All in all a great Christmas weekend.

New Years was with friends including catching "The Black Swan" on New Year's Eve. That is my first in-the-theater movie in roughly two years--before Mary presented her cancer symptoms. Oh, it was a good movie as well.

On New Year's Day, the three amigo's from our Alaska cruise got together to build a photo-book of our trip. I set up my big iMac (24" screen) on the dining room table so Ingrid and Mary could fully interact with the pictures and editing on the screen. Amazingly, Kodak sent a 25% discount notice if it gets done by Tuesday. Nice, very nice. We also prepared a nice dinner as part of our photo work--salmon, potatoes, gingered carrots and a salad.

Monday is back to work! These past ten days have been so very nice.

Happy New Year!

The Christmas Whirlwind!

For Christmas Day dinner, I hosted Chris, Casey, Danny, Sarah and Ingrid.  MaryR joined us for dessert and that added to the conversation and the festivities.  Sarah surprised me with her observation about two new ornaments on the tree that had not been there when we did the decorating. Ingrid had given me two ornaments for Christmas and I didn't hang them when we did the project with the grand kids.  Amazingly enough, Sarah noticed and noted the two new items out of the approximately 100 items she, Danny, Chris and I had hung on Thursday evening.  Amazing memory for a four year old!  

I baked fresh salmon for dinner (chicken for the kids) and Ingrid contributed with mashed potatoes and she whipped up her own dressing for a spinach salad. Casey prepped the asparagus and I had acquired mango salsa for the salmon and all in all we had a great Christmas dinner. 

Today, I joined Casey's family in Concord and the menu was non-stop with turkey and ham being the protein of choice! Of course, there were veggies and potatoes and sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce and...and...and...

It was a blast with Casey's three brothers, therir spouses and a total of four kids all enjoying another round of gift unwrapping and discovery of new toys.  Later in the day, additional friends arrived and that added more to the day's events.

Monday I take Chris and clan to the airport. I am going to hate saying goodbye, its been such a wonderful week with them here. 

Merry Christmas!

Mary's Christmas Rose

Each year, Mary looked forward to a Christmas rose in her garden. Easier to do in Phoenix than in Los Gatos but none the less, we would have Christmas roses from time to time. Mary always saw them as the magic of nature, the blessings of our creator and as a sign of hope for all the family for the coming year. The sun came out just long enough for me to get pictures in Mary's garden of the three Christmas roses of 2010. 

Scott, Lara, Madelyn and Emma sent me a wonderful Christmas bouquet.  There are pictures of the bouquet too. 

Merry Christmas!

iPad users click here.

Grandchildren are so special

And exhausting!  I was done in after a day with the two of them!  And, I loved it.

I think the best part was late in the day when their Papa said, "OK, its time we start getting ready to go to Grammy's house."
And, Sarah the four year old announces, "NO Papa, we have to decorate Grampa's tree first!"
I brought out a couple boxes of ornaments and Sarah dove in with gusto. We soon figured out she didn't want to hang them, she only wanted to see what I had.  I had the job of unwrapping, Sarah admired and then handed the ornament to Papa and was quickly ready for the next one.  Danny, the six year old, was taking the ornaments and carefully hanging them on the tree.  Amazingly, nothing was broken.

And it doesn't matter how they look on the tree, it just felt so damn good to decorate the tree with my grand kids.

Here are some shots from Oak Meadow Park on a beautiful Dec 23rd afternoon. iPad users, click here.


Merry Christmas!

For Christmas eve, I will be with Chris, Casey, Danny and Sarah at Casey's Mom's place. Tomorrow, they will be here and I get to be chief chef!