My Dear, we're still good-bying

"The fire is slowly dying,
And, my dear, we're still good-bying,
But as long as you love me so,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!"

One holiday season in our college years, Mary came over to my (parents) house. Early in the evening, she made a delightful apple cider that my Dad particularly enjoyed. Mary and I spent the later part of the evening in front of the living room fireplace while Dad was in his downstairs man cave (using today's vernacular). Mom retired to bed as I recall. Dad would noisily emerge from his man cave from time to time making sure Mary and I were being proper. Those were the days!

Outside, a soft winter snowfall was in progress putting a frosting on trees, streets, sidewalks and cars. It was one of those magical evenings that makes you want to be in snow country for the holidays.

I can recall two pictures I took that evening. One was of the street scene outside our living room window including my snow covered 1960 Ford Fairlane. I think that picture is still around someplace and it captures the magic. I used very fast black and white film without a flash and the combination of the street lights and the fresh snow provided a stunning effect.  (Click on the picture to enlarge.)

The second picture was of Mary sitting on the floor with the fire behind her. Again, no flash and when the pictures came back, they didn't even bother to print that one. The light from the dying fire and the darkened room made it unprintable.

But, there was a shadow image on the negative! I can remember carefully storing and keeping that negative for years because I could just barely see the outline of Mary sitting on the floor in front of the fire. And from time to time I would study that ghostly image when I wanted to recall good holidays.

For two decades, when I heard that Christmas song with the words "my dear, we're still good-bying", my mind would jump to that snow kissed evening and the ghostly image of Mary I kept for ages. Even after we reconnected 20 years ago and the negative had been long lost, that song would trigger the memories of that special evening.

Now Mary is gone. I am still good-bying. And it hurts more now than it ever did before.

From the mouth of babes

Yesterday's post was a surprise to me.  I sat down to write about the arrival weekend of my grandchildren on Saturday and the fun time we had on Saturday and Sunday.  Instead, the feelings of the change to the Christmas season emerged very strongly once at the keyboard so I wrote about them instead. 

And, my grandkiddies have arrived for a visit until the Monday after Christmas. It is such a joy to have them here--along with their parental units, Chris and Casey.  For Sunday dinner, Casey's Mom, Rosemary, joined us and I cooked up a pretty good chicken dinner with potato and asparagus.  Everyone said it was very tasty and no one got sick so I guess I did good. 

I did get some of the Christmas decorations out of the garage and got them in place for Sunday dinner.  Chris has agreed to help me set up the tree Tuesday evening because, as he said, "We have to have a tree on Christmas Day!"  I agree. I mean, it is in a box in the garage, it doesn't take too long to get it done--notwithstanding last year's multi-week project.

Out of the mouth of babes--my 6 year old Grandson, Danny, announced shortly after arrival on Saturday that "Grandma Mary is in heaven."  I thought I'd totally lose it at that point, it was so sweet and innocent.  And so very, very obvious to a six year old that Mary was not here.  

He then proceeded with another question, "Why did she go to heaven?"  

Because she died. 

"Why did she die?"  

Because had a nasty disease called cancer.

"Why does cancer make you die?"

Sometimes cancer makes you die, many times it does not. We are all sad that cancer made Mary die. At that point he went on to a new topic.  And I managed to distract myself with the joy of having him and his sister, Sarah, here for the holidays.  It is only now, reliving the conversation in my head that the tears easily come. 

Chris, Casey, Danny and Sarah came to the house directly from the airport--Southwest delivered them three hours late on Saturday.  We fixed sandwiches to take care of the hungries after their eight hour journey for a 2.5 hour flight.  They had planned to go to a party (kids included) on Saturday night so Casey dressed for the party and then they packed the Humette and set off for their evening.  

As I stood in the garage and Chris started to back the car out of the driveway, all the emotion and expectation I had been keeping under check came pouring out.  I was so afraid the visit would not happen, or somehow I would be so disappointed it would ruin the visit.  I knew at that moment as the car started moving that none of the bad stuff was going to occur. Instead, it was already as good or even better than I had dared to hope.   

They noticed my meltdown and although I waved them off, turned and stepped into the house, Chris came through the door a minute later to see if I was really ok.  I told him about "Grief Landmines" and how they will just happen now and then. And, for me, they generally last for a few minutes and then they are gone.  I then I told him how happy I was to have him and his family here for Christmas.  He asked if I would be ok for the evening and I told him I was late for a party (true) so he gave me a big hug (easy to do since he is 6'4" or maybe 6'5") and took his leave.  

As for me, I dressed and headed to my own party.  Ingrid had invited me to a former co-worker's party in Pleasanton and it was a very nice event.  The hostess lost her husband a year ago in early December so technically this was her "second Christmas". Her four siblings all live locally and it is clear she has a great support network in place. The house was full of her siblings, their spouses or SOs, friends and offspring of the various parings. There was a lot going on and it was great!

Why am I being a night owl? Well, I was in China last week and I think jet lag has my internal clock a little wacky. And, that wackiness is interacting with my emotional reaction to the Christmas season. Between the two, I am having just a bit of sleeping difficulty. I am sure it will pass. 

Tuesday evening is Chris, Danny and Sarah for dinner and setting up my tree!  It will be a very good time! 

It's gone this year. Very, very gone.

They say the first holidays are tough. I agree, perhaps I would even say they are worse than tough.  Every song, every shop, every Christmas decoration reminds me of what no longer is. 

In the good years, meaning healthy bonus years, we'd concentrate on making a significant purchase for us and for each other.  For us it would often be something for the house--a decorative rug or a piece of artwork. Or it would be a Christmas trip--Mary loved the four day Christmas celebration at Wyck Hill House at Stow on the Wold in England.  For Mary I would go looking for a nice piece of jewelry or listen for the clues for some electronic gizmo she just had to have--in 2008 it was a Nikon Digital SLR camera.  For me, it was typically electronic in nature and was just the latest thing--and dropping my own clues so she could figure out which gizmo was meant for me.   

Christmas 2009 was very different. Mary was fighting the pain in her back and was on some pretty heavy duty painkillers. And, given the ongoing threat of death from cancer in 2009, the Christmas season was a simple one where we concentrated on Mary with the unsuppressed hope that she was truly on the road to recovery. Click here for a link to December 2009's posts on the other blog.   

We did go to Marge and Dave's Christmas party in 2009 where Marge took this wonderful picture of Mary--the last time Mary dressed up and was able to go out and enjoy friends.

From Marge & Dave's Christmas Party

Click on the picture or the link for a full size view

It's gone this year.  Very, very gone.

Home from New York

Had a great 2.5 days in NYC with my daughter. The city is really fun and much safer, it appears, than the NYC of my impressions. Heck, New Yorkers are even nice and friendly now!

Did a bunch of touristy things including dinner at Pastis, a favorite of Carry, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha. They weren't there last night.

All in all, a great weekend. I'll post more later when I can upload some pictures.

Ciao

Hawaii!

Here are Hawaii pictures with Tom and Reenie. Click on any picture to take you to the album directly. For iPad users, Click here.




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Shawna, Maui, Hawaii & Ingrid!

Today is going home day. I haven't posted because I have been in Hawaii since Tuesday November 2.

Ingrid has been a saint taking care of Shawna. Ingrid reports that Shawna is eating her normal kibble, drinking water, and properly performing the results of those two activities. She is mobile and active and displays only a slight tilt of her head This is a long way from last week when Shawna's legs didn't work or later when she could only walk in circles and decorated the floor with a real mess. And Ingrid stuck with it and nursed her back to health.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Ingrid.

From Tuesday the 2nd to Monday the 8th I was on Maui with my sister-in-law, Reenie, and her husband, Tom. We had a great time on Maui visiting all the places that were Mary's favorite. We had a great dinner at Mama's, hamburgers at Leilani at Whaler's Village, visited the Coach store there, drove to Hana and the next day to Haleakala, flew to Oahu to visit Pearl Harbor and Waikiki, took a snorkel trip to Molokini and to Turtle Town and the grand finale was dinner at "The Feast at Lele" in Lahaina. I rented a two bedroom condo facing the beach and we could walk just a few paces and be swimming and snorkeling in front of our own unit.

On the 8th, I flew to the Big Island while Reenie and Tom flew home. I was attending the ITPC, a trade conference I have been attending and organizing for about the last ten years--except last year of course (click here for ITPC). This year I moderated a panel discussion.  This conference is designed to include spouses and there was a few times with old friends when the tears appeared. Overall, however, it was very good to be here.

Speaking of tears, Maui was Mary's favorite island. And, we loved staying at the Renaissance in Wailea. The Renaissance is closed now but I managed to rent beachfront condo (Unit 7H) at the Ekahi Village immediately north of the closed hotel. After breakfast, Mary and I would walk the very long stretch of three adjoining beaches--Ulua, Mokapu and Keawakapu--it was our tradition--and the beach walk takes a little over an hour. One day Reenie and Tom joined me and a couple other times I wanted to simply be alone on my walk.

I could feel Mary on those walks.

I watched a family--mom, dad and two very cute 3 year old twin girls just celebrating being on the beach and playing in the surf. We chatted a bit and then I made a comment about how fortunate they were to be on Maui. The mom responded that Grandma and Grandpa had brought them along on this vacation.

I had to take my leave and turn away as I realized Mary would never fulfill her dream of hosting her grandchildren on Maui. I cried then and I am crying now as I write this.

Ciao

Shawna, Shawna!

The x-rays taken Saturday were negative and Shawna proceeded to get worse. So much so, by Sunday evening she could no longer stand on her own legs and her head appeared in a permanent twist to the right.  She had not eaten or drunk since Thursday although the vet had injected saline solution to make sure she wasn't totally dehydratred.  

By early Monday morning, I could not stand to see how poorly she was doing--unable to use her legs, unwilling to eat, barely able to lift her head.  When the Vet's office opened, I called and made an appointment for 8AM to put Shawna down.  After all, she turns 17 in December. Mary and Ingrid agreed to join me at the Vet so they came to the house and we headed to the vet together.  

Our long term vet, Diane Wiese, was on duty. Diane also takes care of Mary's cats so we would be among friends. I carried Shawna into the exam room, the technician had me sign the papers and then Diane joined us.  We were all very sad and Diane said she wanted to do one last look before she got the injection paraphernalia. As she looked at Shawna, she asked about her eyes. They were rapidly twitching from left to right and back again.  Diane stepped out, got some inspection instruments and checked Shawna very thoroughly. I said the twitching had started Sunday and, by the way, here is an iPhone video of her walking on Sunday before her legs totally gave out--Shawna was simply walking in circles.  

Diane views the video then says, "I think we are looking at Old Dog Vestibular disease.  What that means is that Shawna will be fine in 7 to 14 days."  

Say what? 

I immediately did an iPhone search to find results like this one. Click here. 

Ingrid and I did time trades from our jobs while we took care of Shawna Monday. By Monday night, Shawna was eating a chicken-rice-carrot dish that Ingrid had made. Just a tablespoon or two at a time but the fact is, she was eating!  The vet told us we should force food down about every two hours to make sure her intestinal tract was functioning.  Force, heck, it was more like feeding a vacuum cleaner.  That dog was hungry!

Here legs were still not working and her head still had the twist to the right but she did manage to scoot her body out of the bed during the night. I found her about five feet from the dog bed on the floor.  Amazing considering her legs are virtually useless.  

As of this AM, Shawna "produced!" Hey, it was messy but it was a great event. Her intestines are working!  

Now it is the "Tincture of Time" to allow her to recover from the affects of the disease.  Shawna is clearly fighting hard to get better. She is eating, drinking and doing her best to get the legs working again. The attitude is so much better than it was just 48 hours ago.  

If all goes to plan, by this weekend she should be very close to full strength again and by the following weekend back to normal--except for a slight head tilt if I understand the write ups correctly. 

You go girl!