As it approaches 3PM, I am about to leave my office to see Kelli, my grief counselor, for the last time. About two months ago she asked me when I thought the last visit should be and I answered with "at the end of April."
It feels right to me to be ending this part of the grief journey. So much of our latest conversations have not been about handling grief but rather how to handle my new life. In one sense, that is the objective of grief counseling--to get you to the point where the dominant part of your efforts are no longer focused on grief, but rather focused on living a new life. So, if that is the measure, it is time to say goodbye to Kelli.
It is also very sad to be ending this great relationship I have with Kelli. She has been a touchstone of solidity in a world that lost its balance sometime between March of 2009 and shortly after Mary's death in April of 2010. I cannot tell you how important my Tuesdays at 4PM with Kelli have been for me.
The bottom line is, "Thank you, Kelli" for being there for me during this horrible year. You are the greatest!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Here is hoping you had a Happy Easter!
My Easter was just fine. My cousin Mary Jo had her Dad's movies converted to DVD. The disks arrived a few weeks ago but I didn't view them until Easter Sunday. Although most of the footage was of my cousins, there were cameo appearances by my maternal grandfather and grandmother, Mom and Dad, my sister, brother and me! Its amazing to see yourself in a "moving picture" approximately five decades later. Wow!
I must note that of the cameos of my father, all but one had him lighting a cigarette. There are two comments to make about that. First, his brother in law (my mother's brother and the cameraman of the movies) was a thoracic surgeon and routinely worked on patients who had lung cancer. My uncle would absolutely get all over Dad about his smoking and yet in the movies, here is Dad lighting up, time after time--in my uncles living room! Second, and not unsurprisingly, Dad died of lung cancer in 1996 at the age of 83. Overall, his health was good and he was very active so, to me at least, that damned smoking cost him some great years!
On Sunday I went to Santa Cruz, walked the dogs a bit and then had dinner at Olitas (Click Here), Mary's favorite restaurant on the wharf. Starting with the April allergy season, I would take Mary to dinner here. Out on the wharf, her sinuses would clear up in just a few minutes, we'd enjoy the evening of her clear breathing and it seemed to help her for a week or so before we needed to do it again. Claritin D helped a lot but before that, it was absolutely the only way to get her a bit of comfort. Fortunately, her allergies were usually done by sometime in June each year so the worst of it only lasted a couple of months.
On Saturday, I attended ACT's version of Jean Paul Satre's No Exit (Click Here). This, as you can read following the link, is a novel presentation of this well known play. It certainly makes one think about where we are and what we are all about.
All in all a pleasant Easter Weekend. I'd think about Mary, mostly happy thoughts but once in a while the tears would come. I missed the grandkids for coloring eggs and the Sunday morning Easter egg hunt which we did for several years.
I must note that of the cameos of my father, all but one had him lighting a cigarette. There are two comments to make about that. First, his brother in law (my mother's brother and the cameraman of the movies) was a thoracic surgeon and routinely worked on patients who had lung cancer. My uncle would absolutely get all over Dad about his smoking and yet in the movies, here is Dad lighting up, time after time--in my uncles living room! Second, and not unsurprisingly, Dad died of lung cancer in 1996 at the age of 83. Overall, his health was good and he was very active so, to me at least, that damned smoking cost him some great years!
On Sunday I went to Santa Cruz, walked the dogs a bit and then had dinner at Olitas (Click Here), Mary's favorite restaurant on the wharf. Starting with the April allergy season, I would take Mary to dinner here. Out on the wharf, her sinuses would clear up in just a few minutes, we'd enjoy the evening of her clear breathing and it seemed to help her for a week or so before we needed to do it again. Claritin D helped a lot but before that, it was absolutely the only way to get her a bit of comfort. Fortunately, her allergies were usually done by sometime in June each year so the worst of it only lasted a couple of months.
On Saturday, I attended ACT's version of Jean Paul Satre's No Exit (Click Here). This, as you can read following the link, is a novel presentation of this well known play. It certainly makes one think about where we are and what we are all about.
All in all a pleasant Easter Weekend. I'd think about Mary, mostly happy thoughts but once in a while the tears would come. I missed the grandkids for coloring eggs and the Sunday morning Easter egg hunt which we did for several years.
 |
| Anticipation--the Easter eggs are out there somewhere! |
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| I love this picture because the jacket is Emma's but the bag is Grandma's. I guess style lives in blood lines! |
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| April 8, 2007. From the left, Tim, Charlize (b2004), Mary, Emma (b2004), Madelyn (b2000) and Lara. |
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Coming up on Easter Weekend
Easter is a different weekend in April this year. Last year it was on the 4th, this year it is on the 24th. We (family) held a picnic (of sorts) in a beautiful internal courtyard in the Stanford Hospital complex just a short walk from Mary's room in the cancer wing. We opened the food and wine directly under the sign that said "no food, no alcohol". Frankly, we did not care.
Mary was lucid on Easter Sunday. During the week, the pain doctors worked to minimize her morphine and put in an epidural block in her spine. It worked and it gave us Mary being awake and aware on Easter Sunday. We knew at that time there were just a few hours left before the failure of the liver would induce hepatic encephalopathy. The grandkids had been there as had all of our kids. My daughter Erika and Mary's son Tim with his daughter had to leave on Saturday to make commitments. Scott, Lara, Madelyn, Emma, Chris, Casey, Danny and Sarah were there along with our good friend Mary and Ingrid. Reenie had left on Wednesday but she turned around, took more time off and returned from Minnesota to be with Mary during the last days too.
We had hosted Mary's grand kids for Easter in Los Gatos for the past several years including 2009 after her symptom's presented and she had her ERCP procedures but before the gall bladder surgery. Easter was the 12th in 2009, her gall bladder surgery was on the following Saturday, 18th. I'll try and find the photos from that Easter and see if I can post them.
Unfortunately, I sort of let Easter planning get away from me and I have not set plans with the kids and grandkids. I won't let that happen again!
Even though Mary died on the 8th and that is strongly implanted in my brain and heart, her last days are associated with Easter.
Blessings to all of you during this holy week and weekend.
p
Mary was lucid on Easter Sunday. During the week, the pain doctors worked to minimize her morphine and put in an epidural block in her spine. It worked and it gave us Mary being awake and aware on Easter Sunday. We knew at that time there were just a few hours left before the failure of the liver would induce hepatic encephalopathy. The grandkids had been there as had all of our kids. My daughter Erika and Mary's son Tim with his daughter had to leave on Saturday to make commitments. Scott, Lara, Madelyn, Emma, Chris, Casey, Danny and Sarah were there along with our good friend Mary and Ingrid. Reenie had left on Wednesday but she turned around, took more time off and returned from Minnesota to be with Mary during the last days too.
We had hosted Mary's grand kids for Easter in Los Gatos for the past several years including 2009 after her symptom's presented and she had her ERCP procedures but before the gall bladder surgery. Easter was the 12th in 2009, her gall bladder surgery was on the following Saturday, 18th. I'll try and find the photos from that Easter and see if I can post them.
Unfortunately, I sort of let Easter planning get away from me and I have not set plans with the kids and grandkids. I won't let that happen again!
Even though Mary died on the 8th and that is strongly implanted in my brain and heart, her last days are associated with Easter.
Blessings to all of you during this holy week and weekend.
p
I've been remiss...
And I promise to post more later. Things have been a whirlwind...positive whirlwind!
Anyhow, Mary would have loved this video, enjoy! Click Here.
Ciao
Pat
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Time to go...
Leaving Mary's graveside soon. I've been playing her favorite songs.
Unchained Melody
Brown Eyed Girl
Bright Side of the Road
Whenever God Shines His Light
Noticing the wildlife ate the roses I placed yesterday but left the other flowers. Mary would have loved that!
Had dinner with my sister last night and breakfast/lunch with Mary's sister & family. For efficiency, both are named Maureen. Hey, Irish families! Mary's sister goes by the name Reenie, a name Mary bestowed as a young girl when she could not pronounce Maureen. My sister avoided my mispronunciation, Nana.
Finding myself in tears as I prepare to leave for the airport.
The airport is not so far away. The sounds of airplanes is a constant irregular noise. I think somehow it is fitting given Mary's 'Itchy Feet.'
Time to go...
Unchained Melody
Brown Eyed Girl
Bright Side of the Road
Whenever God Shines His Light
Noticing the wildlife ate the roses I placed yesterday but left the other flowers. Mary would have loved that!
Had dinner with my sister last night and breakfast/lunch with Mary's sister & family. For efficiency, both are named Maureen. Hey, Irish families! Mary's sister goes by the name Reenie, a name Mary bestowed as a young girl when she could not pronounce Maureen. My sister avoided my mispronunciation, Nana.
Finding myself in tears as I prepare to leave for the airport.
The airport is not so far away. The sounds of airplanes is a constant irregular noise. I think somehow it is fitting given Mary's 'Itchy Feet.'
Time to go...
Friday, April 8, 2011
One long, lonely, tough year...
As for me, I felt like a good thing to do on my birthday would be to visit Mary's grave. So if you happened upon her grave this afternoon, you would have found me in a SUV with the tailgate open playing her favorite music through the car stereo. Fortunately, her grave is fairly near the car so playing music loudly isn't disturbing the neighbors...
Oh, and the grave is in Minnesota.
And for my Minnesota friends who I did not contact this visit, I'll connect next time. This visit is very short and I really did not want to socialize.
Some of you may wonder about her stone. Mary's maiden name is Mary Elizabeth Quirk. Her first husband was a Hughes and that is her children's name. Lamey is, of course, my name. After she retired she used that from time to time plus it does establish the link for some future researcher to make the connection.
"Unforgettable, In every way,
And forever more, that's how'll you'll stay"
Nat King Cole, Unforgettable
Sometimes the music triggers some pretty strong reaction from me. Those lines did that today.
One year I won the "Husband is a Horse's Arse Award". Somehow and with no justification on my part, I managed to forget her birthday and our anniversary. May that never happen to you! Well, given I am the recipient of that award, I have my suspicions that Mary managed to die on my birthday so that I could never forget. I guess that also explains my Mom's unexpected death on April 8 because I could never remember her birthday or anniversary either!
I'll be home Saturday.
Ciao,
p
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
The last time...
...Mary spoke was early in the morning on the 5th one year ago.
I haven't heard her voice for 12 months. Yet, I hear her in almost everything I do. And what I hear a lot are words of encouragement. Which, truth be told, is what I mostly heard from her when she was alive.
Even the letter she wrote to me that was to be opened after her death was full of encouragement. At the top of this blog are her words to me...embrace life...
Overall, I am doing pretty good. In addition, I have great friends who are very present in my life and their caring and support are invaluable to me.
Friday is the one year mark of Mary's death. Also, the anniversary of my Mom's death. And of my Aunt Claire Lamey. It is also the birthday of Mary's daughter-in-law to be, Kamie. And it is my birthday.
I plan on spending that day to be by myself. It feels like the right thing to do.
p
I haven't heard her voice for 12 months. Yet, I hear her in almost everything I do. And what I hear a lot are words of encouragement. Which, truth be told, is what I mostly heard from her when she was alive.
Even the letter she wrote to me that was to be opened after her death was full of encouragement. At the top of this blog are her words to me...embrace life...
Overall, I am doing pretty good. In addition, I have great friends who are very present in my life and their caring and support are invaluable to me.
Friday is the one year mark of Mary's death. Also, the anniversary of my Mom's death. And of my Aunt Claire Lamey. It is also the birthday of Mary's daughter-in-law to be, Kamie. And it is my birthday.
I plan on spending that day to be by myself. It feels like the right thing to do.
p
Monday, April 4, 2011
Doing OK
I managed to stay very busy this weekend so I didn't really have time to think about what this week meant.
Saturday was a "lost day" although I did manage to fulfill Ingrid's request to take some photos of her salon. She will use them on her website that is being updated. Saturday night, I just kinda plopped and watched mindless TV for several hours. It was ok, not unbearable being alone. I was just alone.
On Sunday, I hit the market for my fish and then joined Tom E and his wife Sheila for breakfast. Tom and I attended high school together and we discovered each other a couple of years ago through another one of our high school friends by using Facebook! It figures that two guys who live 15 miles apart in California need a 3rd friend living in Michigan to connect us. And connect we have done. We did have a double date of sorts when Mary was sick. Mary was in the endoscopy department awaiting her next procedure and who walks in but Tom! Turns out Sheila was in the next preparation bed awaiting her procedure.
Tom also dropped in from time to time to check on Mary and on me. All I can say is thank you! And, thanks for breakfast too!
It turns out I have a work buddy who plays in the California Pops orchestra and he had given me a ticket to the performance on Sunday afternoon. Thanks to my iPhone, I was reminded of the performance and managed to attend and enjoy a pleasant concert held in Los Gatos at one of the local churches.
On Sunday night I prepared my regular fish dinner, seared Tuna with asparagus and a bit of bread. It was a very nice dinner if I do say so myself.
April 4, 2010 (Easter Sunday) was the last day Mary was really conscious and able to talk with friends and family. I sort of remember she said a few words early on the morning of the 5th but I cannot recall for sure. I know she was alert on Easter Sunday, we saw her and she talked with the grandkids before and after our Easter Sunday picnic held in one of those beautiful public areas in Stanford hospitals.
In one sense, this is the one year anniversary of her death for this is the last day she truly communicated. Let me finish this entry with the words I wrote on her crematorium container.
Saturday was a "lost day" although I did manage to fulfill Ingrid's request to take some photos of her salon. She will use them on her website that is being updated. Saturday night, I just kinda plopped and watched mindless TV for several hours. It was ok, not unbearable being alone. I was just alone.
On Sunday, I hit the market for my fish and then joined Tom E and his wife Sheila for breakfast. Tom and I attended high school together and we discovered each other a couple of years ago through another one of our high school friends by using Facebook! It figures that two guys who live 15 miles apart in California need a 3rd friend living in Michigan to connect us. And connect we have done. We did have a double date of sorts when Mary was sick. Mary was in the endoscopy department awaiting her next procedure and who walks in but Tom! Turns out Sheila was in the next preparation bed awaiting her procedure.
Tom also dropped in from time to time to check on Mary and on me. All I can say is thank you! And, thanks for breakfast too!
It turns out I have a work buddy who plays in the California Pops orchestra and he had given me a ticket to the performance on Sunday afternoon. Thanks to my iPhone, I was reminded of the performance and managed to attend and enjoy a pleasant concert held in Los Gatos at one of the local churches.
On Sunday night I prepared my regular fish dinner, seared Tuna with asparagus and a bit of bread. It was a very nice dinner if I do say so myself.
April 4, 2010 (Easter Sunday) was the last day Mary was really conscious and able to talk with friends and family. I sort of remember she said a few words early on the morning of the 5th but I cannot recall for sure. I know she was alert on Easter Sunday, we saw her and she talked with the grandkids before and after our Easter Sunday picnic held in one of those beautiful public areas in Stanford hospitals.
In one sense, this is the one year anniversary of her death for this is the last day she truly communicated. Let me finish this entry with the words I wrote on her crematorium container.
Mary, my love
Let your itchy feet carry you
to new and wonderful places,
Let your spirit hold
and keep our love,
All Ways and
Always,
Pat
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